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Fuck All This Bullshit, Silent Bob
11.13.04 (2:11 pm)   [edit]
I'm gone... spent all day moving what rants were still here (fucking tBlog erased all of my great rants and will pay dearly).

I'm now at http://h8fueled.blogspot.com if anyone's interested. If you've been with me from the beginning, please stick around for the ride because I've got all sorts of fun stuff planned.

The only issue with Blogger is that I have to add your email address so you can get notified when updates happen. Lemme know if you'd like this (in the comments section, or in person) and I'll hook it up.

It's been a fun ride here at tBlog, but in the end the sporadic downtimes of their servers and the fact that they ERASED A SHITLOAD OF MY RANTS has made me move on. NO more slow load times, no more "t-bucks". I'm fucking ghost.

adios, fuckers
trevordanger
 
My Spite Will Not Be Passed Down To Future Generations
11.11.04 (5:00 pm)   [edit]
Alright, I'm getting tired of tBlog being down every other day, and the wait to fucking log in and post shit is retarded. I realize it's free (or at least the version I'M using is free) so I can't bitch that much about that.

But I CAN bitch about their supposed "lifetime archiving" feature.

I'm looking to move my blog to something more productive and better-kept, and the fuckers have either deleted my posts from last year or made it so I can copy them.

Bullshit.

All of my "classic" rants are nowhere to be found, and the old website I used to post them http://www.electricdiary.com, which fucking blows even more) has erased my shit.

So, what you see is what I've done. My 2003 blogs, witty as they were, are no more. Fuckers.

So, look for a move soon. I'll keep you posted and set everyone up who's interested with emails. Please post if you are interested, and I don't already know you.

BTW - Veterans Day... God Bless EVERYONE who lays their life down for Bush's tyranny and global conquests. All of those who have died or served in ANY war are truly heroes in my eyes (my father especially). Those of my generation who are dying DAILY deserve more respect than our so-called "Commander-In-Chief" doesn't give them. My hat off to you, no sarcasm at all.
 
My Insane Girlfriend (and Bush Still Fucking Sucks)
11.10.04 (6:03 am)   [edit]
Thought I would take a brief respite from ranting and frothing over every single fucking jackass who put Bush into office, just for a little funny story.

------------------------- ------------------------- ---------------

Last night, I was heading to bed around 11:30 p.m. My lovely girlfriend had already been asleep for about an hour. I was creeping in, all fucking ninja-like, trying not to disturb her by turning on lights.

So, I'm feeling walls and tripping over clothes and all that, just so I don't wake her. Then, in the dark, I hear THIS question:

"[i]Mmm... baby? Did you bring the [mumble]?"[/i]

Now, I didn't hear her, but she's obviously awake.

"[i]What? Did I bring the what?"[/i]

[i]"The penipede..."[/i]

"[i]The [b]WHAT[/b]?"[/i]

[i]"Did you bring the penipede?"[/i]

Now, you're all thinking the EXACT thing I'm thinking. I ask the obvious question:

[i]"What the fuck is a 'penipede', baby?"[/i]

She mumbles something and tries to ignore me. Now, I'm fucking pissed because she knows some magic word that I don't. Is it code for something? Did she say the password to some stash of Nazi gold in the Swiss mountains?

I HAD to know what this "penipede" thing was.

[i]"What the fuck is a penipede? And why should I have it?"[/i]

"[i]You know... it's a plant, shaped like a firetruck..." [/i]she mumbled.

{Let that sink in for a bit... I can wait...}

...
...
...

Now, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. She's crazy with sleep. But not only did she ask me for a made-up word, she actually could [b]DESCRIBE[/b] the fucking thing!

So, kids, make sure you use this year's new "hip" vocabulary word:

[b]PENIPEDE[/b] (n.) ([i]PEN-eh-peed[/i]) A plant that is shaped like a fire-truck.

------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------

Alright, now for a couple of quick links for those who still don't believe that this country is full of idiots.

[b]A Letter To The Editor[/b]
http://www.mcall.com/news/opinion/letters/ all-balboanov08" title="http://www.mcall.com/news/opinion/letters/ all-balboanov08" target="_blank"http://www.mcall.com/news/opi...,0,3274850.story?coll=all-newsopinio nletters-hed
[i]This is legit, folks. Fucking scary that these people are the majority, eh?[/i]

[b]Pharmacists With Moral Agendas[/b]
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=6 76&ncid=716&e=22&u=/usato day/20041109/ts_usatoday/ druggistsrefusetogiveoutp ill" title="http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=6 76&ncid=716&e=22&u=/usato day/20041109/ts_usatoday/ druggistsrefusetogiveoutp ill" target="_blank"http://story.news.yahoo.com/n...
[i]Now, that shit is fucked up. It'd be like vegans working at McDonald's not serving you food. FIRED, fuck-o![/i]

And, a shining ray of light for the day:

[b]John Ashcroft Resigns[/b]
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=5 42&ncid=716&e=3&u=/ap/200 41109/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/b ush_cabinet" title="http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=5 42&ncid=716&e=3&u=/ap/200 41109/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/b ush_cabinet" target="_blank"http://story.news.yahoo.com/n...
[i]Now, we've only got fucking Rumsfeld, Cheney, and ultimately Bush. A scary side to this is that Bush is just gonna replace Ashcroft with another Jesus-loving robot.[/i]

United States of Jesusland, I salute you!
[i]-trevordanger-[/i]
 
How Can 59,054,087 Americans Be So Fucking Stupid?
11.05.04 (2:14 pm)   [edit]
I got plenty of responses from my last rant, most positive, which makes me feel less hateful. Still, I've got plenty of angst and ire spilling over from Novermber 3rd, or "Black Wednesday."

I ask each and every idiot who re-elected George W. Bush into office to get in line now to serve their country. If you believe in what this cocksucker has done not only to us, but to the rest of the world, fucking step up. Grow some balls and stop hiding behind your bullshit Republican rhetoric. The ultimate justice (besides Bush stepping down for some reason) would be that those who gave that asshole FOUR MORE YEARS would be willing to sacrifice their lives for his oil-fueled hard-on. No Kerry voter should be forced to fight a war they don't believe..

Only now do I realize what the "conscientious objecters" were thinking when they burnt their draft cards and fled to Canuck country.

I've gained a new-found respect for our veterans, in all wars. Those who suffered in Vietnam deserve more respect than I can every give, thanks to Bush providing the mirror up to my generation. Our friends and family are dying every fucking day, and you idiots said "[i]Try again, George! Here's four more years!"[/i]

Actually, you assclowns probably thought "[i]Shee-it, Dubya! You call THAT a fuck-up? Give it another try, champ!"[/i]

I'm still furious, and being surrounded by gloating Republicans fuels this fire. The next cocksucker who boasts about Kerry losing needs to be shipped overseas immediately. You obviously believed in his lies and bullshit, so pay the piper.

In the meantime, here's people writing far more eloquently than I, while still expressing the proper amount of rage.

For the pussies (that chick who posted on my last blog) who can't handle "Potty-Mouth" talking, check out

[url=http://www.michaelmoore.com]Michael Moore's Reasons Not To Slit Your Wrists[/url]

[i]Wait, the same idiots who voted for W already have a personal agenda against Moore. Maybe you need some real fucking spite thrown at you. I've got the solution:[/i]

[url=http://www.tlchicken.com]Wayne's Rant on Tastes Like Chicken[/url]
Scroll down on the main page.

Fuck simple-minded people and who don't think ahead. We're all going to pay the price for your ignorance.

[i]-trevordanger-[/i]
 
America Fucking Sucks
11.03.04 (8:15 am)   [edit]
It's official... I hate this country...

Actually, I don't really hate the country. I love it and my freedom as an American. I fucking detest each and every person who got that fucking douchebag back into office.

When the draft is re-instated, and it will be in the name of Homeland Security (OIL MONEY), I hope they take you fuckers first.

I'm honestly sick to my stomach that America would rather have four more years of destruction than take a chance on a man who might actually pull us out of the shit.

Given the option of digging out of our hole, Americans voted on using more shovels to dig ourselves deeper.

You people* make me sick. Go die.

trevordanger

*THIS RANT DOES NOT APPLY TO THE CLEAR-THINKING PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WAITED IN LINE TO TRY AND OUST THAT FUCKING CHIMP. YOU ARE THE TRUE AMERICANS, AND WE'LL ALL SUFFER DESPITE YOUR VOTE.
 
Fucking Politics...
10.29.04 (1:02 pm)   [edit]
Fuck it. I'm buzzed and angry. Time to get this blog out of the way.

I'm so goddamn sick and tired of fucking "W 2004" bumper stickers. I really can't pin the reason down. "Kerry 2004" stickers don't really piss me off that much, but maybe that's because I'm voting for the douche.

I think it all boils down to the simple fact that anyone who supports the imcumbent shouldn't have to advertise the fact. If you're not carrying a "Kerry" sticker on your car, then I'm going to assume that you're voting for Bush. If you don't, that rocks and I'll be happily suprised. But displaying those stickers just makes you an asshat. Seriously.

The best example of asshat-ery is when gas-guzzling vehicles front for Bush. Jesus H Christ. That's so disturbing it's amusing. You support the president because you need the oil to power your boat-on-wheels. Good job.

I saw the ultimate example the other day. I stopped at Kroger's to buy some wine, accidentally parking beside a newer stationwagon with EVERY IMAGINABLE BUSH BUMPER STICKER on the back window. I thought to myself, "What a fucking douchebag" and went inside. As I left, I saw that the driver was a middle-aged woman in pigtails with THREE kids. The irony almost made me vomit.

BONUS - She had the "W=women" sticker....

I'm not here to make you vote for either side. I'm voting for Kerry, not based on politics or personality, but based on the fact that Bush fucked this country like a drunk sorority girl.

STILL... saying that George W Bush is for women is like saying I'm for Prohibition. That fucking chimp is THIS close to revoking Roe v. Wade, and only needs some new Supreme Court Justices (Hello, Rehnquist!) to overturn that ruling. Yeah, he loves the women.

My main spite is directed towards people so smug in their Republican-ness that they would give this asshole FOUR more years to ruin the country. My dad served over a year in Iraq, and he's not re-electing the man who sent him over.

Which brings up another interesting point. The fact that the fucking NATIONAL GUARD were fighting in an OVERSEAS battle. NATIONAL... hmmm... maybe they help defend the NATION in their own land????

I'm really not getting into this, because I'm buzzed and not willing to preach to people who actually take the time to read this thing. I just say to all of the people who haven't decided and/or may not vote... fucking do it. Not because Puff Diddy or Ted Nugent tells you to, and not really because YOUR vote matters, but the fact that combined with everyone else who's undecided... THAT might make a change in the vote.

I'm not pro-Kerry... I'm anti-Bush, and that's the bottom line. Fuck flip-flopping, fuck all that shit. Elections are held every four years for a reason, and Bush fucked his chance.

There, that was my stance. Vote, and don't put "W" stickers on your car unless you want douchebag status.

ALSO... I JUST read that Osama Bin Laden sent out a tape condemning Bush. This is exactly what Bush wants. Every dirty trick in the book is going to be pulled this election. A terrorist attack happening before or on the election will on push Bush back into office, and don't think HE doesn't know that.

This whole thing makes me sick.
trevordanger

BTW - My company gave me a 6% raise, which rocks. The added stress of dealing with idiots counter that raise, though. We'll see if the 6% pays for my mental health.
 
UPDATE, FOOLS!
10.20.04 (6:18 pm)   [edit]
Quick update, for those who have stuck with me loyally (Which should be ALL of you)...

Still living with my girlfriend, still working at my job, everything's the same. I'm getting older and mellower in my old age, but I can still spite with the best of them... I just need reasons and ample time anymore.


Don't get me wrong, I haven't gone SOFT by any means. I've just allowed less things to really fucking piss me off.

Still, I've got a few rants up my sleeve. This weekend I'm planning my "Fuck George W. Bush" rant, so if you support the chimp, pack a lunch.

Plus, I'm on the tail-end of what I'm calling "My Three-Week Revue". Basically, I was owed a review of my work performance at the beginning of the month... it's now almost the END of the month and I have yet to hear about a raise or any of that...

The amount of my raise WILL be equal to the amount of curse words and hate you shall read. Trust me on this.

In the meantime, I offer some websites that are way more clever than I. Enjoy some tales of sexual debauchery at:

[url=http://www.tuckermax.com]Tucker Max's Tales[/url]

and the classic and recently underposted

[url=http://maddox.xmission.com]Maddox's Greatest Page in the Universe[/url]

[b]BTW - TBLOG is fucking shitty as shit can be. When I DO try to post, it's a fucking struggle to get to the POSTING page. Imagine a retarded kid trying to complete a trig assignment... THAT kind of difficult.[/b]

I hate you all,
~trevordanger~

[i]PS - Trent Steel has a girlfriend... GASP![/i]
 
Stratford Chase Should Burn In Hell
09.28.04 (5:57 am)   [edit]
Hey all. I actually have a few moments to rant, so this might be long one. Sit back, grab a beer or three, and enjoy the past few weeks of built-up bile and hate.

[b]Doug the Effeminate Leasing Agent[/b]

Alright, I finally settled down and moved in with my girlfriend. It's a big step, but I'm ready and it's working out. Make all the "domesticated"/"pussy whip" comments you want. Once you find the right one, it rocks. Not enough to tame my anger and spite, but it makes things easier on my ulcers.

Anyway, my girlfriend and I were apartment hunting two weekends ago. We had a list of different townhomes that offered good deals and were in a close proximity to her new job. We woke up bright and early, anxious to find a new home...

... only to find that leasing offices don't open till 10 or 12 on weekends. So, I'm already pissed at being up this early for jackshit. We decide to drive past a couple of the places on our list to see what they look like.

Several of them read good online, and offered great amenities like a finished basement/2 baths/heated pool/etc. But, what the listing FAILED to mention is the fact they were situated right beside a major highway or in a fucking ghetto. Buyer beware indeed.

After waiting till noon, we went to the first place on our revised list: [b]Stratford Chase Townhomes[/b]. This place looked fucking awesome: huge pool, hot tub, big-ass rentable clubhouse. The leasing agent, Doug, approached us and offered to give us a tour.

Let me explain this fruitcake. He's wearing a peach-colored shirt that's too small for his gut. He says the gayest shit, but throws in some "manly" comments and nudges me. I'm not buying it, fag. I don't care what the wedding band is supposed to mean, or the fact that your "kids" love it here. You smoke pole.

The places were really nice, and Doug was a good salesman. He didn't pressure, he didn't try to make us decide on the spot. We found out later this is because he has no fucking business sense at all.

We went to a couple of other places, all within the same price range but with different amenities. One place had a finished basement, but was modeled in 1954 or some shit. Haggard ass appliances and carpeting straight out of [u]Leave It To Beaver[/u]. Another place offered a brand new washer/dryer set we got to keep when we moved out.... but we had to sign a lease THAT day.

I hate being pressured, and I hate peppy people. This girl, Brandee (the extra e annoyed me too), was all about moving us in that day. The rent was a bit higher than [b]Stratford[/b], and the pool/fitness center sucked. Plus, the fact that we couldn't get a break after we left the place pissed me off too. The best part? She didn't even have a model to show us! We were supposed to "imagine" what it would look like, based on a garden apartment floor plan.

Hey, Brandee... imagine me leaving... oh wait, you can actually watch me do that. Fuck off.

In the end, Doug and his weird ways had kind of grown on us. We went back, excited to sign a lease and get moved in that following weekend. Doug let us look at the two open apartments. They were both nice. One had better appliances so we opted for it. There were a few issues though, that we mentioned to Doug.

[b]1. Huge fucking gashes in the bathroom vinyl floor. Like some angry fuck had just stabbed the hell out of it.[/b]
[b]2. Broken tiles in the front entryway. Nothing major, just an eyesore.[/b]
[b]3. The door to the garage was hard to open. Almost like it was fighting you.[/b]

Doug promised to have it all fixed before we moved in. We signed our applications and paid $50. That's the most ignorant part of these deals. The fact that we pay them to check our credit. I can do that shit online for free, assclowns.

Fast forward to Wednesday of two weeks ago. I get a disturbing call from my girl. She's crying because there's an issue with the apartment. The lady who works during the week can't find out shit, because Doug is a fuck-up who misplaces shit. We finally get that settled, but only after an angering phone call to this bitch, [i]Tammy Lynn.[/i]

[i]Tammy Lynn[/i], if you ever read this or hear about this, I really hope you fucking choke on something and die. A cock, a knife, a gun barrel... whatever. You do NOT interrupt me when I'm trying to ask you a question. You do NOT cut me off when I'm being friendly on the phone. You want me pissed off? You found the quickest route, you stupid bitch.

We get this settled and I think everything's gonna be alright. They call back a couple of days later and say we're ready to move in. I have my girl call this place again, to make GODDAMN sure that they fix the things that are wrong BEFORE we move in.

My girl calls back crying and pissed. This bitch, Tammy [i]Lynn[/i], says that they won't replace the vinyl because it will "raise the value of the apartment". If they DO fix the shit, they'll raise our rent.

Yeah... take a breath...

[b]WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? VINYL FLOOR IS NOT A FUCKING AMENITY! IT'S A GODDAMN PART OF THE APARTMENT! YOU DON'T CHARGE PEOPLE TO FIX WHAT'S WRONG WITH A PLACE BEFORE THEY FUCKING MOVE IN![/b]

We scream and bitch at this whore about Doug's promises. She says he doesn't know the rules.

Now we're fucked. We needed to move her in THAT weekend, and [b]Stratford[/b] had us. I told my girl to go look for apartments that day, taking all the necessary essentials. We focused on [b]Stratford[/b]'s nemesis, Fieldstone Trace. It's located RIGHT behind [b]Stratford[/b], and was built by the same condo company.

Fast forward to today. Fieldstone Trace gave us a washer/dryer for free to keep; memberships to the Westerville Fitness Center; money-saving coupons for rent; and the fact that we save $50 if we pay rent on the first.

Needless to say, [b]Stratford Chase [/b]can fuck off. Doug called up and apologized, saying he could get the vinyl replaced for free if we'd only come back.

Doug, you cocksucking homo, shut the fuck up. I pity anyone who bought your lispy lies and actually moved into that piece of shit. They're probably paying out the ass right now for shit they shouldn't have to.

[b]STRATFORD CHASE IS A FUCKING LYING RIPOFF.[/b] Tell all your friends if they live in Columbus and are looking for a place.

***

Damn, this was longer than I thought it would be. I'll have to rant about my shitty job tonight.

-trevordanger-

[i]PS - Our friend Trent Steel has hooked up with a young filly, even going so far as to take a weekend in Jersey with her... details arriving soon.[/i]
 
I'm Still Kickin'
09.16.04 (5:20 pm)   [edit]

Hey all,


It's been about a month, but there is a few rants brewing... just in the middle of moving and shit's too hectic right now.  Trust me, though, I've had plenty to be pissed about.  Here's a little teaser of some upcoming topics:


1. Doug, the effeminate lying leasing agent and his faggoty peach shirt.


2. My company assraping me for little to no pay.


3. How To Spot A Douchebag (Look for the "W" sticker)


I'm out, but I'll be back soon.  In the meantime, know I hate you.


-trevordanger-


PS - It seems our friend Trent Steel has found himself a lady... we're all interested to hear how this one's gonna turn out.  Probably in homicide.
 
Flippin' Birds
08.29.04 (3:16 pm)   [edit]
I was infinitely delighted today, and it's all thanks to one man. I don't know his name, or where he's from, but I shall call him [b]Red SUV Dude[/b], and spread the gospel of his powers.

I was driving in Cincinnati with my girlfriend, heading to a car wash to clean my shitmobile. The main road outside of my girlfriend's apartment complex is two lanes that merge (quickly) into one lane after a stoplight. I turned onto the road, in the far right lane, and got stuck behind some fucking mullet-headed wifebeater in a Chevette or some shit.

I look to my left, trying to get over into the (eventual) single lane, since that's where the fucking car wash is. This douchebag, [b]Red SUV Dude[/b], is in the lane, but kind of meandering near the back of my car. When I speed up, he speeds up. I'm stuck behind a piece of shit car and beside a assraping shiteater.

The merge is coming up and the Chevette speeds up just a TAD. I take the advantage and glide into the left lane (USING MY TURN SIGNAL) and [b]Red SUV Dude [/b]shits a brick.

It wasn't my plan to catch the yellow light and stick [b]Red SUV Dude[/b] with the red light, but that's exactly what happened. I didn't mean to cut the fucker off, either, which I don't think I did. Regardless of my opinions, I glance in my rearview and see [b]Red SUV Dude[/b] VISIBLY angered. He reaches deep into the pit of soul and whips out....

[i][u][b]THE DOUBLE DEUCE![/b][/u][/i]

For those not in the know, the [b]Double Deuce [/b]is a remarkable maneuver accomplished by only the professional bird-flippers. It requires stamina and endurance, and takes a lot out of you. It sounds simple: You flip off someone with BOTH hands at once. Done incorrectly, you can die or lose your hands.

This dude did it while [i]DRIVING[/i]. Class-A fucking material, here.

[b]Red SUV Dude[/b] had stomped on his brakes when I changed lanes, inadvertantly fucking HIMSELF by then catching the red light. His only response was the majestic and holy [b]Double Deuce[/b].

Thank you, [b]Red SUV Dude[/b]. You made my day and I shall remember your awesome powers for life. Next time, don't be a fucking asshole.

Word.

[i]I'm going to bring the "Thunder On The Tundra" story (also known as "Last Weekend") to light some other day. I'm fucking worn out and still chuckling at the [b]Double Deuce[/b]... What a fucking assclown.[/i]
 
Hooters, The F-Bomb, and Siberian Tigers
08.12.04 (5:19 pm)   [edit]
First off, let me preface this rant with the following statement:

[b]LAST NIGHT WAS WEDNESDAY... FUCKING WEDNESDAY![/b]

That said, the following events gain a whole new element of fucked-up-itude ([i]noun, "the state of being fucked-up[/i]").

I got home from work at my normal time and was sitting contentedly on the couch playing PS2. My roommate comes home, yakking on his phone. Then, he asked the fateful question.

[i]"Hey Rob, ya wanna go to [u]Hooters[/u]?"[/i]

Now, I'm not a big fan of [u]Hooters[/u] (the restaurant). Plus, I'd already eaten a decent lunch as wasn't very hungry. Travis (my roommate) rebuffed my answer with the following:

[i]"C'mon, you can see some titties and drink some beer!"[/i]

As many of you know, I'm a huge fan of both titties AND beer. Put the two together, and I'm usually there within fifteen minutes. Still, this was [u]Hooters[/u]...

So, Travis and I met our buddy Jack and headed to the closest [u]Hooters[/u] - on 161 in Columbus. Everyone was giddy with anticipation, except for me because I know the [u]Hooters[/u] game pretty well.

I'm not going to go into why [u]Hooters[/u] sucks so much. If you've ever seen the South Park episode where they spoofed the restaurant with [u]Raisins[/u], you know why. Here's a quick recap, though.

1. The girls are clothed. Skin-tight clothing, mind you, but no nudity.
2. They rub your back and fawn on every word you utter in the most cheap, plastic ways imaginable.
3. Their food isn't that good. Anyone who says their wings are delicious is a lying rat-bastard who's just there to ALMOST see titties.

Here comes my point. If I'm gonna pay a girl to fawn all over my words and beg for my money, I'll go to a fucking strip club. They're nude, and it's hard to say no to a nekkid chick. [u]Hooters[/u] has all the pretense and motions of a shitty strip club, minus the nudity and "private dances."

Anyway, the restaurant is fucking packed because it's "[u]All You Can Eat Wing Wednesday[/u]." Good day to go to [u]Hooters[/u], if you like being surrounded by dudes drooling over chicks in orange hot pants.

As soon as I open the front door, we're fucking bombarded with plasticity. Two chicks immediately pounce on us, spouting words like "[i]Honey[/i]" and "[i]Baby[/i]" and "[i]Don't touch my ass[/i]" (that last one was directed at Jack, probably). We get seated and the waitress/whore immediately writes our names on separate napkins, each with her name before it. Mine's said "[i]Britany + Rob[/i]", Jack had "[i]Britany + Jack[/i]", and Travis had "[i]Britany + Chester[/i]" cuz he's such a fucking comedian. "Britany" takes our order and immediately loads us with beer.

While we're drinking, we notice that all of these fucking [u]Hooters[/u] chicks are pretty ugly. Our waitress ranked about Top 5 out of the haggard crew, and she had fucking acne. It may be superficial and sexist to demand hot chicks at [u]Hooters[/u]...

No, fuck that.

It's [u]Hooters[/u] for fuck's sake! That's the only reason people go there is to see hot chicks. This isn't a place where the waitresses "have great personalities." Obviously THIS [u]Hooters[/u] doesn't have high standards when hiring help.

Now, fast forward about two hours. We got there at 7:00 and were only supposed to get a couple beers and some wings. SOMEHOW, we killed [b]SEVEN FUCKING PITCHERS OF BEER[/b] between the three of us. Yeah. [b]SEVEN[/b]. So, of course, we're fucking loopy.

SOMEHOW, me and Jack got on the subject of cheating. I believe he brought it up, just in case my girlfriend reads this. Anyway, we were trying to figure out where the line is. Like, how far can it go before you dump your girlfriend. I've had this talk with my girl and can understand a drunken kiss or something along those lines, as long as I hear it from her the minute she sobers up. Anything else is cheating, plain and simple. No drunk chick has ever fucked somebody and not remembered it. If your girlfriend tried the old "[i]I think I fell on his dick[/i]" line, time to buy a whore.

Anyway, somehow one of the waitresses overhears our conversation and decides to put her two cents in. I really don't give a shit what a fucking Hooters waitress has between her ears, and I sure as fuck don't want to talk to them about relationships while they're jumping around so their titties shake. Hypocrisy, anyone?

The [u]Hooters[/u] chick tells us that anything done with another person is cheating, plain and simple. I decide that since this bitch has standards (all of a sudden), maybe another [u]Hooters[/u] girl will take my side. I grab the nearest one and ask her to define cheating. She spouts the same garbage the first chick did. Our waitress returns with Jack's second portion of wings.

[i][b]*By the way... it took those fuckers over a half-hour to bring Jack's second batch of wings. How is it "All You Can Eat" when they make you wait between servings? Stupid lying fuckers*[/b][/i]

I pose the question to her and get the same carbon copy response. They must teach this shit at [u]Hooters[/u] University or some shit. Then, Jack says something to her and she drops the F-bomb on him. Then, she storms off and we're all sitting there, confused. I'm in awe that she cursed at us, yet highly amused we got to her, and completely befuddled as to what Jack said.

About fifteen minutes later, she returns and apologizes for her language. We try to smooth things over and soon she returns to her plastic smile and stupid backrubs.

The best part? During this whole fiasco, Travis hasn't said a fucking word. When he DOES open his mouth, it's to try and pick up the upset waitress. He asks here where she's from, all that bullshit. She says she also works at some Siberian tiger clinic in Amish country.

Yeah... "[b]SIBERIAN TIGER CLINIC [/b]in [b]AMISH[/b] country..."

She has the pictures on her cell phone to prove it, and goddammit she wasn't lying.

We get the fuck out of Dodge after getting our whopping $75 bill. The bitch neglected to mention that the pitchers she so generously served where close to $8 a piece. Thank god Travis covered the tip, because all she would've gotten from me was a swift punch to the jugular.

Me and Jack are lit like fucking Christmas trees, ready to go home and pass the fuck out. Travis decided to throw THIS little gambit out:

[i]"We're going to [u]Adobe Gila's [/u]to pick up chicks"[/i]

I don't need chicks, but I'm along for the ride. We end up at this trendy-fuck bar in Easton, sitting off to side where we can't even SEE chicks. The waitress there starts loading us up with beer and someone (probably me) yells "[i]Jagermeister[/i]!"

[i][b]*Quadratic Formula - Pitchers and Jager DO NOT MIX*[/b][/i]

After that, we stumble over to [u]Bar Louie's[/u], another trendy-fuck bar and drink there. This is where I forget everything. I eventually ended up home and proceeded to call people up. If I called you, I don't remember it and it never happened.

The moral of this story?

1. [u]Hooters[/u] fucking sucks, and that bitch waitress will hopefully get mauled by one of those Amish tigers.

2. Drinking on Wednesday is [b]NEVER EVER EVER[/b] a good idea, no matter what the cause.

3. Never say "[i]We'll only be out for a few beers[/i]" or "[i]We'll be back in an hour[/i]" or any of that shit. You'll become a fucking liar who just jinxed yourself and will end up shitfaced, closing a bar and setting people on fire.

Fuck. I'm tired. Go away.
 
The Life and Times of Trent Steel
08.10.04 (11:12 am)   [edit]
[i]I'm still working on my political rant. Trust me, it'll rock. Everything I do rocks. Never fucking forget that...[/i]
[i]Until then, here's the latest installment of Trent Steel's spite-filled life. Enjoy and comment.[/i]

[u][b]Today’s Episode: You Couldn't Make This Shit Up![/b][/u]

I know, I know….  You’ve all been holding your breath in anticipation of the latest installment of the Times.  I must apologize.  It's been a busy month in Steel-Land.

Actually, I take that back.

What I meant to say was I bought Splinter Cell for my Xbox and have been spending every waking hour trying to beat that goddamn game. I’m serious!  If you feel you’ve been spending too much time interacting with other people, pick this game up... it will cure you of that malady quickly. It also gives you the added benefit of being able to shoot foreign people in the face, without the hassle of joining the army or going to jail. Anyway, on with the show:

A little over a year ago, I moved away from pretty much everything and everyone that I know to this nice peaceful town in the mountains of Pennsylvania.

Fast forward to present day.

After a year of living and interacting with these people, I’m here to tell you that they're all fucking nuts. Now I know what you thinking, it’s just MY crazy ass that thinks these people are weird.

This is not the case.

Whenever any one from home comes to this little slice of hell, they all eventually point out the fact that the natives here are fucking clown nuts crazy.  Plain not right in the head. So, to prove that I’M not crazy, let me give you a brief synopsis of some of the things I’ve witnessed.

It's All In The Name
First and foremost, the name of the county I live in is all apeshit fucked up. I live in Schuylkill (pronounced "skook-el") County.

Schuylkill?  Come the fuck on...

The first time I became aware of this, we were driving through a little burg called Schuylkill Haven.  When I heard the name, I almost fell out of the car because I was losing it.  This was some genuinely funny shit.  When I learned I was soon to become a resident of Schuylkill County, it became less funny.  A LOT less.

In Schuylkill County there are about six hundred little towns, which could all be combined into roughly three small cities because they're all about a 1/2 mile apart.  Alas, no one around here is that fucking smart. About twice a week you’ll hear on the news about some little podunk town that ran out of money and had to close down their police department.  Easily avoidable if you had more then thirty-five tax payers, you fucking morons.

The Natives Are Restless... And Drunk
The only redeeming quality of this hole in the world is the brewery.  My town is home to America’s oldest brewery, and a fine drink it is. This creates its own set of problems, however.  The fact that the brewery is right in the middle of town means the beer is dirt-cheap for a quality brew.

Get ready to bring in the drunks...

There are three kinds of people in my town: drunks, raging drunks, and full-blown alcoholics.  I shit you not, if you live here and don’t drink (not a problem I have) people look at you like you have three heads. The kids start to drink at about thirteen, and the old fuckers drink until they're on their death beds.  These old people live next to some friends of mine.  You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen ten old-as-dirt fuckers getting hammered in the backyard on a Sunday afternoon.  Words don’t do it justice.

Is That English?
If you’re a native, born-and-bred in this area, then you’re a full-blown "Skook" (this is a name I’ve created to describe/degrade these people). A native Skook drinks about seven nights a week, has a few kids, and a Joe Punch-clock job. Their main goal in life is to not go to jail, and to...

Hmm, come to think of it, I think that may be the only thing these people strive for.  I bet they teach it in their high schools.

They also speak their own language that only the people from this area can comprehend. I think its roots are in English, but I’m not entirely sure. I like to call it "Skookese."  Speaking Skookese requires that you end the majority of your sentences "then," and the word "you’s" is quite prevalent.

An example of a Skookese sentence: "Hey, are you’s guys goin' boozing then?"

People have said this EXACT phrase to me on several occasions. I don’t pretend to be the most eloquent speaker all of time, but the lexicon here is so strewn with local vernacular that if you haven’t spoken it your entire life, you won't know what the fuck these people are talking about half the time.

Derp Derp Derp!
The people here are ignorant to other things as well, and make statements to prove this on a regular basis.

Example: The minority population has been growing in town over the past several years, as it probably has in most areas. The normal right-minded person would say, "Well, it's a sign of the times.  Can't be just us white folks forever!" or something along those lines.
In a Skook’s mind this situation is explained thusly: All of the minorities that have moved into the area recently are here because of the prison not far from here.  These people moved in to be closer to their relatives, who are in the prison.  Because of this influx of non-native minorities, the crime and drug problems have increased dramatically.

I’m not making this up, someone told me that with a straight face.  They really believed that shit.

I'm sure you're saying to yourself, "No big deal, there are strange people all over.  You should see some of the people that I have to deal with!"  I will acquiesce to this fact, and you can tell me all about it when you’re at Cruise Night next year.

Oh, you don’t have Cruise Night? 

Well shit, you're really missing out.  Skooks have this event where you pay a nominal fee of, like, eight dollars to drive your car up and down the main drag in town so jackasses can get hammered on the sidewalk and scream "Light em up!" when you drive by. The best part is you don’t even have to have a nice car.  Any dolt with eight bucks can enter any piece of shit car they like and no one cares, just as long as the drinking on the sidewalk is not impeded by the cops.  It’s still illegal, but if the local PD started to arrest people, they would be there for a fucking week because 3/4 of the town would be in the clink.

If you cant make it to Cruise Night I’ll be at the block party tomorrow.

What?  The fire departments in your town don’t have booze fests to raise money?  Well shit, how do all EIGHT of them stay open?

You mean you don’t have a "hose company" every other block?  With the amount of fire protection in this area you’d think the houses were all insulated with gasoline soaked rags. Fucking hose companies... it doesn’t get any better than that.  Only here in Schuylkill can you just be a social member of one of the local volunteer fire departments.  No fire fighting, but plenty of cheep beer and a nice place to drink it.

In closing, let me just say this place is un-fucking believable!

Your pal,
Trent Steel

P.S. Stay tuned for my next rant, [b]Trent Steel Vs. Atlantic City[/b]. Coming soon...
 
Update
08.03.04 (3:21 am)   [edit]
I got some feedback on the last rant, not all of it positive. Still, I believe it is a helpful primer for those going through college and life. So, fuck off.

Still really haven't been hit by the old muse enough to post a meaningful blog, so you'll be getting these mini-updates semi-frequently.

[url=http://www.homestarrunner.com...]Peasant's Quest from the Homestarrunner Crew[/url]
This dumb little game will own your ass.

[url=http://www.homestarrunner.com...]The rest of the Brothers Chaps games.[/url]

Trent Steel will be making a triumphant return to these hallowed pages very soon. I think he's currently incarcerated for killing a man with a 7-11 brand Spork. I'd recommend holding your breath until we post his latest.

Off to my wonderful job...
 
The Rules of Engagement
07.18.04 (7:30 am)   [edit]
Alright, I'm back. I really need to get off my fucking ass and update this fucker more often, but I'd rather have meaningful posts than rapid posts.

[i]A follow-up from the last blog... I've taken the job with the company I wrote about. They managed to scrape together $21,000 a year for me (not great, not horrible) and so I'm making SOME money now. Nothing too great, especially after the ass-raping taxes and whatnot. [/i]

Anyway, I've been going through a crisis/catharsis of sorts these past few weeks. Whether it's growing up or just an over-abundance of spite, I've realized that all friendships don't last. I've been ranting about this subject to anyone who will listen, but perhaps I should post my theories for posterity. People will read this and know how to act and behave to maintain good friendships. In the end, though, people are shit and friendships are fleeting. Enjoy them while you can. So, without any more postponing, I present my

[u][b]RULES OF FRIENDSHIP[/b][/u]

[b]1. Play Wingman[/b]
I'm sure all of you know what a "wingman" is, but for those who don't: A wingman is a buddy who agrees to hang out with you on a night of prowling. If you have a hot chick ready to go, but she has a haggard-ass friend who's trying to keep her away, the wingman goes into the line of fire and distracts the beast while you do what you need.
Trust me, I've played this fucking role too many times. I'm not best-looking guy, but some of the fucking she-beasts I've had the displeasure of distracting take the fucking cake. As a good wingman, though, you need to take it all with the belief that your friend will return the favor when need arises.
It's a karmic rule: You jump on the grenade for you buddy and he should do the same.
Unfortunately, not all buddies do this. These fuckers are known as "assholes" or "cock-blockers."

[b]2. Cock-block And Die[/b]
You fuckers out there know who you are and should shit glass for your cock-blockery. There's nothing more annoying than setting up a nice conversation with a lady, only to have your buddy come in and steal her away. That is quite possibly the shittiest thing you can do to a friend.
I've had several friends do this, and I hate them for it. If a bitch is going to not fuck me, let her do it of her own accord. I don't need that "variable element" of her leaving me to fuck my buddy. Not getting laid is enough of a downer; I don't need her fucking my FRIEND to add to the misery.
If you see a buddy hitting on a hot chick, [b]BACK THE FUCK OFF[/b]. Let her decide on her own if he's worthy, rich enough, etc. NEVER step in on the conversation, buy the girl a drink, etc.
[b]ABSOLUTELY NEVER[/b] downplay your buddy to the chick. There is absolutely nothing more dickish than talking shit about a friend while he's in the bathroom. If you use this ploy to cock-block, I wish cancer on your brain.

[b]3. Keep Bail Money Handy[/b]
This is especially true if you drink as much as I do. There's been countless episodes of jailtime for my crew of boozers, and bail money is always handy. You should be able to count on your friends to get your drunk ass out of the clink. The best friends not only bail you out, but take you back to the bar for a celebratory shot.

[b]4. The Jimi Hendrix Defense[/b]
This is a no-brainer. Never let a drunk buddy sleep on his back. That's how Hendrix died, dude!

[b]5. Live on Principle[/b]
I'm a huge proponent of this philosophy. If you agree to do something, go somewhere, whatever... FUCKING DO IT. If you can't, make sure it's KNOWN that you can't/won't. You don't need bullshit excuses, just make sure no one's expecting you to do whatever you said you would. For example, if you promise to go play wingman for your bro, make sure you let the dude know if you can't/won't make it. He'll be pissed, but that will fade. He'll be MORE pissed if you just don't show up, or worse, he sees you out alone.
Integrity goes along way towards keeping friends, and not living by principle is a shitty fucking life.

[b]6. Maintain Contact[/b]
This isn't that big of a deal. You don't have to call the fucker every day (that's a chick move), but maintain some sort of communication. The easiest way to drift apart is lack of communication. Sometimes this comes with the territory, but making the effort can help.

[b]7. Tip Your Bartender[/b]
I have a buddy who's a bartender. Not the greatest bartender; not even fifth-best. But he takes care of his crew and make sure everyone has a good time. Whether it be free shots/beers or a Jack & Coke without the Coke, he is generally a people-pleaser. Still, these perks aren't a right, they're a privilege.
Several friends would take his generosity for granted, expecting cheap drinks and free shit anytime he bartended. The worst part? They wouldn't even tip him for his generosity.
That's bottom line prickishness. Repay good deeds with good deeds. Money, hookers, coke, crack, whatever it takes. There's nothing worse than feeling used or taken advantage of. Just remember that things you assume for granted can disappear one day and catch you blind-sided.

[b]8. Always Get Their Back[/b]
Regardless of how fucking hardcore I act, I'm basically a big pussy when it comes to fighting. The only fight I've ever been is a suck-punch from some douchebag in elementary school. Since then, I've developed a good verbal fighting style that has saved my ass for years. I can talk my way out of just about any fight, regardless of any personal damage to my reputation. Still, when it comes to friends, sometimes you gotta throw your hat in the ring.
There are some sub-rules, though.
a. [i]The fight can't be your buddy's idea[/i] (unless it's payback/revenge for a previous fight)
b. [i]Your buddy can't start the fight.[/i]
c. [i]Make sure you have a crew on your back in case the fight turns into a fucking melee.[/i]
d. [i]Your buddy must always repay the favor with beer, hookers, coke, etc.[/i]

[b]9. Maintain The Friendship [/b]
Everyone has their different circle of friends. There's the people you work with, the people you drink with, people from home, people from school, etc. When friends from different circles are hanging out, acknowledge them all. It's fucking horrible to ignore a friend simply because he isn't a part of another circle.
Take for instance this story: A lot of my buddies are from the same hometown. Within this small section, there are sub-sections: circles within circles. Still, at the heart of it all they're hometown buddies. At a party thrown by one of these guys, myself and another friend were the only out-of-towners there. The regulars didn't take too kindly to my one friend and plotted a fight. This is fucking retarded to begin with, but the friend THROWING the party didn't make a stand. That's true horseshit, and things like that shine through.

[b]10. Share the Wealth[/b]
Short and to the point: If you're getting laid, and can help a bro get laid, FUCKING DO IT. If your chick has hot single friends, introduce a buddy.
[i]*This rule does not apply to fucking cock-blockers. Those fuckers can hash it all in Hell for all I care*[/i]

There's plenty more rules, but I'm fucking tired of typing. Just know this simple fact: It's hard to figure out which friends are true and which are temporary. When you do, keep the true friends for life. Friends or not, I still hate mankind in general. It's things like good friends, cheap brew, and whiskey that keep me from killing.



 
Random Musings From The Drunken Master
06.28.04 (7:59 pm)   [edit]
It's 11:31pm, I've had a few 40's... Time for the random rant generator to fuck shit up...

[u][b]IRAQ[/b][/u]
I promised myself I wouldn't touch this shit because I had family over there (back now), but this shit is out of control. I know that my writing this blog will soothe all tensions in the Middle East, so I have to do my civic duty and send a message.

[i]*Honestly, I tried writing something witty about 20 times tonight, and nothing is funny about what's going on over there. Beheading's are fucked up, and raging against Iraq does nothing to bring back the people over there... I'm honestly left with nothing to say that won't come across as REALLY fucked up or trite. Even [b]I[/b] know when lines are crossed*[/i]

[u][b]SMALL TOWNS[/b][/u]
I had the extreme pleasure (displeasure?) of going to some of my buddies' hometown this weekend to experience a community party. I've heard legends of this party all through college, and had to experience it for myself. Now, let me set things straight. My buddies gave me no false intentions and/or promises. They knew their hometown sucked as much as I would. Still, taking this in mind, it was still interesting.

I'll break it down into it's good parts and bad parts:
[i][b]GOOD[/b][/i]
[b]1. Dollar Beer[/b] - Even though this is a ripoff in college, the simple fact of charging a buck a cup for a keg of Miller Lite is a novel idea. Especially when it goes to a CATHOLIC charity. God bless.

[b]2. $3 Fish Sammiches[/b] - I'm not a big fan of the fish, but after about 20 of the $1 beers this shit kicked ass. Actually, $3 punches in the stomach sounded alright after all that beer.

[b]3. Gambling Galore[/b] - For a charity/fund-raiser for a church/parish, this party had a lot of semi-gambling. For example, the [i]BIG SIX[/i] was a wheel that spun with dice combinations on it. You put dollars down on the numbers #1-6. Whatever combinations the wheel ended up could make you money. I don't remember much of this, but I think I ended up ahead at the end of the night. God bless.

[i][b]BAD[/b][/i]
1. [b]Alienation[/b] - Nothing makes you look inward more than a bunch of people looking AT you. Yeah, redneck, I'm NOT FROM TOWN... back to beating your kid.

2. [b]Dollar Beer[/b] - 20 is honestly enough.

3. [b]Getting Slapped By A Girl [/b]- Ask my buddy about this sometime. Drunkeness actually BRINGS OUT the Jerry Springer in people.

Moral of this story: Your hometown sucks just like everyone's, mine's included. But at least this town has a drunken fest to forget how horrible it can be.

[i]*APOLOGY: To everyone of my buddies who actually READS this blog, don't bitch. You hate your town more than I do, and I actually semi-enjoyed myself. I'll buy you a shot next time I see ya*[/i]

[u][b]NEW NEIGHBORS[/b][/u]
They love RAP and BASS. I'm not a fan of such, being a metalhead, but that alone doesn't cause a problem.

[b]TURN DOWN YOUR SUBWOOFERS AFTER 10, FUCKOFFS[/b]

ALSO, don't run your car outside the house for 15 minutes with rap blaring. The music doesn't matter. Whatever makes the windows shake should not be blasting at 1am. I'm not an old codger by any means, but FOR FUCK'S SAKE TURN IT DOWN.

[i](I'd be even more pissed if I had a real job)[/i]

I went to college (as is well stated on this site) and I recognize AND follow these simple "Apartment Guidelines"

1. [b]NO LOUD NOISE AFTER 10pm [/b]- Unless it's a weekend. Otherwise the cops get involved, and that ain't pretty.

2. [b]NO YELLING[/b] - Unless it's the weekend or your girlfriend's forgotten her fucking role [i]AGAIN[/i].

3. [b]NO SETTING FIRE TO NEIGHBOR'S DOG[/b] - I learned this the hard way after a particularly obnoxious Chihuahua. Yipping fucker had it coming, though.



That's it for now. I actually realize how shitty this is after re-reading it, but I'm still posting it. I hate you, don't forget.

[i]BTW - I'm working on a rant about realizing who your true friends are. It might actually be deep and shit, so be forewarned.[/i]

Fuck off,
trevordanger
 
Pure, Unbridled Hate For The Masses
06.24.04 (9:06 am)   [edit]
I know it's been quite a while since you've had an update from the Spitemaster. I've been putting off blogs for a spell, so I can fully harness the rage and anger I feel at the world in one cohesive rant (instead of four or five small rants).

The job I was freelancing for ended at the beginning of the month. They'd been training me to bring me on after the project was over, so I was pretty sure I had a job waiting for me.

[b]RULE: NEVER PLAN ON HAVING A JOB WAITING FOR YOU[/b]

After going on a mini-spending spree, I was pretty disturbed to be called into my boss' office. He was disappointed, but the old lady who runs the company said they couldn't afford to bring me on.

[i]*Pay attention to those words "couldn't afford" because they are quite funny in an ironic way later in this rant*[/i]

I struggled to keep some semblance of a job there, lest I had to go back and answer fucking phones again. I offered anything, even continuing as an hourly rate and not necessarily full-time. My boss liked the idea and said he'd try to get the old lady to go with it.

Now comes the waiting part... I'm being strung along with false hopes for about two-three weeks here by this company. In the meantime, they're nice enough to throw me some hours helping on projects and driving courier shit. "Nice" is the operative word, folks. Driving around this shithole city during business hours is more difficult than fucking a Mormon.

Oh, I forgot about the part where my boss is supposed to write me this bad-ass letter of recommendation for use in future resumes. He took his sweet fucking time on that sumbitch, too. So, basically, two weeks later I find out that there's no job for me and he's JUST finished the letter.

[i](Literally, he typed the fucker while I sat in his office. After two fucking weeks of gasping for air at this place, they shove me off. The letter kicked ass, though, so I was kinda stoked)[/i]

In the meantime, I apply for some local jobs on Monster.com. Both mention "Marketing" but not "Telemarketing". The one job is supposedly marketing/advertising for Fortune 500 companies. The other job is a manager trainee job at a warehouse. I get callbacks from both applications. Let's break this shit down, eh?

[b]SHIT JOB #1 [/b]- I drive out to bumfuck to some office for the "Marketing/Sales/Entry Level" job. I'm dressed reasonably nice: No tie or shit, but dress shirt/khakis/etc. The interviewer comes out and leads me into a room. I soon find out he's the President of that branch of the company. Soon, the grilling begins.

This motherfucker (all 5'3 of him) begins to peer into my very soul with his beady eyes, sizing me up and laying me out. I answer his questions truthfully and TRY to maintain eye contact for as long as possible. The truth is, I get creeped out by people who stare. Break contact now and then and remind me you're not a fucking cyborg out for my spleen. Not this dude. He's boring a hole through my head with his evil stare. I soon find out that the job consists of calling businesses and trying to get them to buy shit. Now's a good time for a stupid fucking differentiation:

[b][i]Telemarketing [/b]- Calling people and trying to make them buy shit.
[b]B2B Calls [/b]- Calling BUSINESSES and trying to make them buy shit.[/i]

He gave me the standard "Second Interview" chat and I walked out. I only felt slightly better because I'd just wasted a good half-hour of his time. That smug fucker...

[b]SHIT JOB #2 [/b]- I was semi-stoked about this job. The place wasn't too hard to find and they were rocking classic rock in the lobby. The VP of the company sat me down and told me about the job and it still sounded interesting. Basically, they were a wholesaler who sold cheap shit from Taiwan to other businesses at a 80% profit. My job would be "customer service/light warehouse work."

[b]PAY ATTENTION TO THIS SHIT[/b]

I got the second interview, which would be an all-day experience with one of their trainees. I showed up bright and early on Monday morning, met the dude who was training me, and we drove off.

Quick note: My trainee dude was 22. He'd only been with the company 3 months. He was super-stoked about the job, yet really didn't shed to much light on what the job exactly WAS. That's when I sensed trouble.

So, we're driving to a town about 45 minutes from here and bullshitting the whole way. He's bragging about how much money he clears, yet still won't really tell me what he actually DOES. I ask him how much I could make and he brags about people making $100,000 after only two years with the company.

My Bullshit-Meter was peaking already.

We stop at a gas station for drinks and gas and he goes "This is our first stop." I thought maybe the town or something, but he meant [i]the fucking gas station[/i].
He opens up his trunk and begins stuffing a bag with rinky-dink products: A barking dog backpack, CD cases, nail trimmers, butane lighters, etc. He then proceeds into the gas station and starts his routine:

"Hey everybody! We're running a new promotion and wondered if you want in on the ground floor!"

He continued this shit-charade, throwing lines like "but for the price" and "they make great gifts" like fucking loose change. I started cringing automatically.

THEN he walked to the next business in town, a fucking hair salon, and did it all over again. After about three or four "businesses" we hopped in the car and drove to our destination. On the drive, I stressed how I DID NOT WANT THE FUCKING JOB and how misleading the ad was. He said the job wasn't for everyone and understood.

So, that sack of shit VP lied to me. Actually, he "stretched the truth". Another differentiation:

[i][b]Customer Service [/b]- Talking to people door to door, selling worthless shit to them at wholesale prices
[b]Warehouse [/b]- The trunk of your fucking car
[b]Light Paperwork [/b]- Adding up how much shit you sold per day on a piece of paper.[/i]

So, knowing I didn't want the job, I ask to be taken back to my car. To my surprise, he tells me he can't take me back. I agreed to go all day, and if he took my back it would take 2 hours out of his sales.

Yeah... in some kind of karmic retribution for all of the homeless I've fucked with, my ass is stuck in blazing hot weather in a podunk fucking town. FOR SEVEN HOURS.

Side note: It's shit like this that sheds a light on who your true friends are. True friends would come pick you up, no matter the case. MY FRIENDS don't do shit because they fucking suck.

Fuck that job and it's lying VP. That Sasquatch-looking motherfucker can dine on my shit till he chokes.

MOVING ON...
I find out from my buddy who works there that they're dicking him around. He doesn't make jack shit to begin with, but they let him use the equipment to make movies. Now they're cutting off his movies and not giving him what he deserves to earn.

The poor motherfucker started at $19,500 because he didn't know shit about video production. After 90 days he was supposed to be making some sort of bank, but they gave him a 3% raise. This continued, penny-pinching here and there, and after two years of hard work he was only making $21,000. That's goddamn ridiculous. You can earn more sucking cock at Hardee's (just ask my roommate).

So now they were taking away the only thing that kept him at the company - his movies. He was fed up, and rightfully so, so he turned in his two-week notice.

Lo and behold, I receive a hearty phone call that SAME DAY, asking if I'm interested in a position with the company. Now, I'm already expecting this. So, in my head, I've decided that I'm only working there if I can get some good base salary. I have several resumes out at their competition and I'm waiting on phone calls from other jobs.

I went in to discuss the job... and here's the gist: They offer me $19,500 with no benefits except for a shitty health care HMO that costs too damn much. They guarantee raises every 6 months if I work my ass off.

[i]*Remember the "couldn't afford" bit earlier? HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT AFFORD PEOPLE WHEN YOU PAY JACKSHIT?*[/i]

Now, I'm pretty fucking devastated. I went to college for five years, yet I still get offered LESS than what I was making as a freelancer? Get fucking real. I listen to his spiel for a while and then lay down the gauntlet. I need to make at least $23,000 for this job to be worth my time. Not that I'm a hardass (I am, though), but that's a fucking joke salary for no benefits. He takes this into account and we'll find out what the real deal is tomorrow.

Needless to say, the job market fucking sucks and people fucking suck. I hate every company who's ever wasted my time and I hate the companies who don't respond to my resumes/calls/etc.

You've waited long enough, fuckholes... Trevor Danger is back and in prime form. Assclowns beware...
 
A College Primer
06.02.04 (5:50 am)   [edit]
[i]I just dug this up with some of my older rants I had stored away. It's an oldie but a goodie, and especially relevant if you're graduating high school this year...[/i]

Dear prospective college students,

We all start out as fresh-faced, naive fools... how you adapt equals how you survive.

This is a message to all those about to enter the machinery that is college life. I wish that one of these had been given to me when I was ready to leave the safety and security of my parents’ house, those five long years ago. Instead, I was given the “rah-rah” bullshit that college institutions are famous for. With those colorful brochures and perky “guided tours” (which are given by students strapped for cash who despise the college more than you’d think), incoming students are given a glossy overview of the next four years of their lives. It'll be daunting, yet your outlook remains hopeful. College is a very scary place, but for more reasons than you’d expect. So, as a graduating “super senior” (more on this term later), I’ve felt it necessary to pass my knowledge to future generations. Here, my young trainees, is the TRUE college experience: how to survive it and still maintain SOME dignity and pocket change.
First off, I’m skipping the whole “dorm life” scene... I transferred down here from a branch college that gave me NO buffering for what "real college" would be like. I didn’t get the experience of living with someone I didn’t know, becoming good friends with them, sneaking beer into the dorm, etc. All that hokey bullshit has been covered to death anyway, by people with more experience and positivity than I have. Look for books with stupid titles like [u]Dorm Life for Dummies[/u] or [u]College for Fucking Retards[/u] or some shit if you want that. I’m trying to get down to the fine workings of the college machine; the things that will chew you up and spit you out.

[b]CHOOSING A MAJOR[/b]: Remember when you were in high school, and you took one of those stupid fucking tests that [i]supposedly[/i] told you what you should do with your life? Did you end up with something cool?
Awesome!
Now, throw that away and forget about it. Those tests are for idiots and give guidance counselors something to do besides think about their chosen profession. ([i]Side note: if you notice, [b]guidance counselor[/b] is never a career option on those tests... higher-ups took them out years ago so people wouldn’t be trapped in those shitty jobs[/i]).
You want to know how impressive those tests are? I took the thing, answered the questions with a chosen profession in mind, and ended up with [i][b]vending machine attendant[/b][/i]. Yeah, the guy who refills the Pepsi and shit. That’s my preferred profession according to those tests, but I have yet to find a four-year institution that offers such courses. Maybe I’d be happier if I had, but I instead chose [b]Telecommunications[/b] as my major. Here comes the spite...
I left high school with the vague notion of what I wanted to do. Something art-related, mixed with being a DJ on a radio station. Unfortunately (or fortunately, for the rest of the world), there is no such job out there. So, I was faced with entering college like many people, and drifting from class to class under the wonderful [i][b]UNDECIDED[/b][/i] heading. Luckily, my mom found a clipping about a kid who graduated from my high school and was now working for NBC or some shit. That seemed kind of cool. Then I saw Howard Stern’s movie, "Private Parts." I was set in my decision... I wanted to do [b]Telecommunications[/b] and become a star, or at least have a creative outlet. [b]TCOM[/b] has audio/video/journalistic subdivisions. Surely there had to be something there for me, right? I chose video production, to appeal to my artier side. That’s when things started going good.
Going to a regional branch right out of high school is a double-edged sword. You get the comfort and security of a great education at a cheap price and with smaller classrooms. You make friends that you’ll probably see again at the main branch, and you get to know the professors personally. You’re not just Social Security #09384202, you’re a real person. The best thing, though, is that you get this piece of paper that tells you [b]EXACTLY WHICH CLASSES TO TAKE, WHAT TIME TO TAKE THEM[/b], so that you’re guaranteed to GRADUATE with at LEAST an associate’s before heading on. That’s right, kids, none of this confusing DARS bullshit... you take the classes as they’re assigned and you get your degree.
Simple, right?

[i][b]Lesson #1: If A Class Is Required, And You Don’t Take It The First Time, It Will Not Be Offered Again Until At LEAST A Year Later, So Don’t Hold Your Fucking Breath.[/b][/i]
I fucked this last part up. Wanting to get a change of scenery (I was sick of seeing the same 20 people in EVERY class), I rearranged my schedule to take a different class.
So, I was screwed out of an Associate’s. Big fucking deal, right? I’d still be getting my Bachelor’s in two more years, right?
The reason so many people change their majors so many times? Bureaucratic bullshit. Here’s college in a nutshell - You have an [i]advisor[/i] who is supposed to guide you throughout your college experience, be there for you when you get into trouble, and generally help you. More than likely, you’ll end up with an advisor who knows little about you or your program and has 30 other kids somewhat like you under their care. They end up not giving two shits about you graduating on time, nor what problems you’re having with your classes.

[b]TIP[/b]: Learn how to read a DARS immediately. The faster you can figure out that enigmatic, Matrix-like puzzle, the faster you’ll graduate. It’s not that difficult, and it will save you assloads of time. Don’t expect your advisor to walk you through college.

[i][b]Lesson #2: Do Not Rely On Your Advisor For Jack Shit...[/b][/i]
I went to my advisor during my fourth year to find out how long I had before I graduated. The way I read my DARS, I was stuck for at least another quarter or two. I asked him to give me a list of classes to take EACH quarter so I could graduate on time (similar to the list given at the regional branch). His response?

[i]“This is how you read a DARS...”[/i]

I told him I knew how to read a DARS. All he had to do was look at my DARS and confirm my suspicions, then help me out any way he could. His response?

[i]“This is how you read a DARS...”[/i]

Fucking Christ. That was the last time I spoke to my advisor, except for a head nod or two when I had to go into his office to get the goddamned DARS report.

[i][b]Lesson #3: Do Not Burn Bridges, Especially With Jackass Know-It-All’s Who Will Probably End Up Being Your Supervisors Later...[/b][/i]
Once you get into your classes, try and make friends early. Do NOT do what I did and automatically make enemies. You’ll find these kids rather early in the game. They’re the ones who know WAY too fucking much about your chosen major. They're the kids who’ve known what they wanted to do and always have a knowing fucking air about them that they’re hot shit. The kids who will probably end up being successful at this chosen profession, but at the loss of a social life and, possibly, with their virginity intact. I, being a pretty social person ([i]alcoholic[/i]), went to these classes with an open mind at first, but didn’t put my entire being into the workload. Instead, I made snide comments about these people, whose whole lives revolved around TCOM. Here’s where the lesson comes in: You’ll run into those people for the rest of your college years and probably later on in life.

Now for the money issue. College is fucking notorious for squeezing every last dime out of you and your family for tuition, books, fees, etc.

[b]TIP[/b]: Don’t buy books until the second or third week of class. By that time, they’re usually all gone, with no hope for getting new copies in. Professors almost always ask who doesn’t have a book, and it’s always a large group. This means the professors have to adjust their lesson plans to take into account those “poor folks” who didn’t get a chance to buy a book. This means less work for you. If all else fails, find one of those dorks I mentioned earlier and borrow their book from them. You save money, and all you have to do is act friendly to them every so often. It's inexpensive and you get bonus points for putting up with assclowns.

The best part of college is that EVERYTHING costs money, time, or sanity. They charge you for tuition, books, fees and the best part... graduation. Yes, after four-to-five years at this place, you have to PAY to get your degree.
[b]What... the... FUCK?[/b]
Think of college as a giant Monopoly board, where the campus owns all the taxes and shit, and the slumlords own all the real estate. Every time you roll the dice, you’re fucked into paying loads of cash to SOMEONE. Oh, the part I forgot? There is no GO spot... you don’t get $200 every time you pass GO. Instead, you go directly to jail. To get out of jail (college), you’ve got to spend $50 for your degree. The thing you’ve been working your ass off to get, that you should [b]DESERVE[/b], that should be [b]GIVEN TO YOU [/b]for your accomplishments... has a $50 price tag. Colleges are so caring, though, that they give you a hug after fucking you over. It’s called annual alumni donation requests... Even after graduation they continue to haunt you and your money.

Now, you may think I’m spiteful, that maybe I’ve had a bad time down here. Not necessarily. I’ve made friends that will last for a lifetime, been to parties I’ll talk about for years, and generally learned a good bit. But I’ve also become extremely jaded about the whole college machine and the real world that comes after it. I entered this institution as a fresh-faced kid, excited about learning [b]Telecommunications[/b] . Now I don’t know what I want to do with my life, and I’m not interested in joining the real world. After being dicked around by the TCOM school (they’ve kept me here for five fucking years), I’ve seen enough bureaucratic red tape to cover a mass murder crime scene.
The inner workings of each school on campus are like the movie “Office Space.” Each professor has at least one or two bosses they talk to, who in turn have one or two bosses they talk to, etc. The legendary DARS reports are like the “TPS Reports” from the movie... no one want to deal with the fuckers.
I can’t blame most of my professors for the shit I’m stuck with. I take my fair share of the blame due to laziness, anger, spite, and general intellectual burnout. But when I can’t get into the classes I need to, then have to talk to fifty fucking people to get a pink slip, there’s something wrong with the system.

[i][b]Lesson #4: Register As Early As You Can, Or Else You’ll Get Shut-Out...[/b][/i]
Fuck, you should start registering DAYS before you’re allowed to, just on the off chance you get into that class. The TCOM School is notorious for filling up its REQUIRED classes before half the students can register. As a [i]super senior[/i] (not super at all, just a fifth-year that’s still stuck here), I had to pink slip into a REGISTERED class I needed to graduate.

[i][b]Lesson #5: Your Professor/Advisor Will Never Answer Their Phone During Office Hours, Will Never Return Phone Messages, And Never Replies To Emails...[/b][/i]
The only way to get the information you need is to track them down like they're fucking animals. Stalk their offices, familiarize yourself with their lunch schedules, and/or chain yourself to their office doors or cars. That's the only way you’ll get any response from them. For having so many options at their disposal, face-to-face communication is the only option that works. Learn this lesson now, and it will save you years of time.
If you happen to find a major that suits you, try your damnedest to not let all this shit get you down. It’s hard, but worthwhile. After wading through this bullshit for so long, I’ve grown tired and weary of my future profession. I’ve lost the spark that made me want to do this for the rest of my life.

Now for the fun part, social tips for surviving college life. I’m by no means a professional, nor am I that popular outside my social circles, but these tips will work for anyone in any circumstance:

[b]DRINKING[/b]
When you’re of age (or have a quality fake ID that passes all tests), find yourself a comfortable bar and drink there often. Try out all the bars your town has to offer, then pick one or two that fit you best. Then, grab a barstool and become Norm from “Cheers”. Drink as often as possible; get to know the bartenders and door guys on a first name basis. Tip well, but not flauntingly. The better you tip, the faster you’ll get served on busy nights and the better treated you’ll be. Flaunt money and you’ll be expected to tip that way each time. Find a bar that suits your style. There’s sports bars for the jocks, punk rock bars for the punkers and metalheads, dance clubs for the ravers and dancers... just find the right one and become a regular. You’ll end up with more perks than you think you will (free/cheap drinks, regular service, and reputation).
The only drawback to this is that it makes you very skeptical of other bars. I personally refuse to go to other bars on busy nights because of shitty service and the clientele. My kind doesn’t mix well with others, and why fuck up a good thing by leaving a bar I know?

[b]DATING[/b]
I really can’t help you guys out on this. I really suck at the whole “dating scene”, but I do have a few tips that will save you stress and shit. First off, don’t date people in your program or major (at least not until near graduation). If you ever break up, you’re fucked with seeing him/her in every required class you have. Plus, you might have to do group projects with him/her and relive every past experience you had. Not good. Just remember the old adage “[i]Don’t Shit Where You Eat[/i]” and you’ll be fine.

[b]MAKING FRIENDS[/b]
It took me a good while to meet the quality group of people I associate with. Basically, drink a lot and get to know people. Liquid courage makes you talkative, so bank on that and you'll make friends. Just make sure you remember them the next day. Also, when you do make a decent group of friends, don’t start whoring yourself to the girls/guys they hang out with. It’s dirty and your friends will probably cock-block you anyway. Trust me on this one.

[b]TIP[/b]: Have at least two or three BIG-ass friends. The kind of friend that says [i]Don’t Fuck With Me[/i] when they frown. This will save your ass countless times during bar-fights or other such encounters. It’s always good to avoid fighting, but it’s even better to have big-ass friends backing you up when the shit goes down.

[b]CLUBS/GROUPS[/b]
You’ll be encouraged from the first day of college to join clubs, activities, and group sports.
[b]Fuck that.[/b]
Unless you’re the kind of person who needs a club to make you feel good about yourself, this shit is useless. Unless the club benefits your resume, or is free to join, stay away from it. Clubs are kind of like cults... easy to join, but they'll suck you into a mindset that may fuck your life up. Okay, maybe they’re not that bad, but they do give people an air of superiority around non-club people. As a non-club person, I’ve seen the air of egotism that comes from groups of club people when they go out. They wear their little jackets and huddle together with their in-jokes and shit. Annoying and very fucking cheesy. If you’re gonna pull that bullshit, save up the cash and join a sorority or fraternity...

[b]TIP[/b]: If you’re going to join a fraternity or sorority, ignore ALL of my advice. What you’ll learn from your fellow brothers/sisters is infinitely more valuable than any of this. You’re paying for your friends, you might as well learn from them. Plus, you’ll adapt into a group mindset where you’re told what to think anyway. Have fun jerking each other off or whoring uptown.

That about wraps up my tips for now. I hope this is beneficial to someone out there. Look beyond the bullshit that colleges offer you on their brochures. Become less trusting and more guarded. Build a thick skin and get ready to stress out at least ONCE a quarter. College IS the best time of your life, all joking aside. You’ll experience shit you’ll never forget, and learn things that will last you a lifetime. Have fun, and try and make it out alive.
 
This Is What Happens When You F*** A Stranger In The Ass
05.20.04 (4:41 pm)   [edit]
It's been quite a while since I've ranted, but I think my spite is quite ready to spill. Let me give you a little backstory before the wrath is unleashed.

When I moved to my new apartment, I was given some pamphlets with local businesses. You get this shit anytime you're new to an apartment/area/city. It's supposed to help you out. The kicker with this batch, though, was the brochure for [b]Insight Communications[/b]. I paid no attention to it, even though the rental attendent lady (whatever the fuck she's called) mentioned it as my only choice.

About a month in, me and my roommate decided to get cable. We called [b]Insight Communications[/b], because they were running a sweet deal. Cable + Roadrunner for $59.99 for six months. Now, I can't live without my cable internet, so this was a HUGE selling point. Even though we had to wait two weeks to get the fucker turned on, I was content.

Now it's been six months and it's time to pay the piper, so to speak. The "special deal" is over on June 8th, and the fucking cable bill jumps up to a whopping $90.

That is fucking insane. Our fucking electric/water bill is usually $60. My cell phone bill is $40.

Don't get me wrong. Roadrunner is fucking great. I'm now loaded with great music, which is more than what I pay for the service itself. But the cable part of the deal is QUITE shitty. You want to know how many channels I actually watch out of the 60 or so we pay for?

1. Comedy Central (always badass, even with MAD TV)
2. G4 (which is getting better, someone must've read my rant)
3. Discovery (American Chopper owns your sorry ass)
4. MTV/VH1 (a little of both, though neither show videos)
5. FX/Court TV, and this is only when "Cops" is on.

Other than that, I don't watch SHIT. So, I'm paying out the fucking ass for 56 channels I fucking hate. I call up the cable operator and try to coax some more deals out of her. She can't do shit, because we're already subscribers. So, I ask her to drop the cable and just keep the Roadrunner.

She says she can do that, but the Roadrunner is $50 a month. Which, is fucking idiotic. Still, I can't live without it, so I'll pay for it.

BTW, all of this occurs after I've done my research around the area. Why the fuck can't I just get Roadrunner at a cheaper rate? No one provides Roadrunner alone... you need the cable package to save money.

Anyway, the chick says that the Roadrunner price will drop to $40 if I sign up for a cable package. Even with the shittiest cable package they have (20 channels, all local and shit), the price would still be $60-$70.

So, I'm fucking pissed. I don't like being fucked in the ass, especially by a fucking cable company. So, I call around to all the different cable companies in the area. All of them do not serve our apartment complex.

[i]BTW, The [b]Time-Warner [/b]bitch was ESPECIALLY evil. She didn't want to talk to me to begin with, so she cut off my questions at any possible second. I don't know her name, but I really pray that she slides under a fucking gas truck and tastes her own blood. Then, hopefully, the gas truck explodes but she still lives and suffers in intensive care. After that, she'll try to commit suicide to end her suffering, but every attempt will only cause more pain. [b]THAT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE FOR SHITTY CUSTOMER "SERVICE", YOU WHORE.[/b][/i]

Anyway, I've come to find out that our landlord must've signed a deal with this Insight place, because no other cable company can set foot in our area. Small shit like this makes me hate the government and their loose ownership laws. Despite my enduring hatred for George Bush and his cronies, I've always got room for more hate.

Someone needs to devise a pay-for-play option with these shiteaters at the cable companies. You pick which lineup you want, then pay a certain rate depending on how many channels you choose. AND CABLE FUCKING INTERNET SHOULD BE A GODDAMN FREEBIE, YOU GUTLESS FUCKS!

So, here's my points:
Fuck [b]Insight Communications [/b]for raping me and my wallet.
Fuck every other cable company for not helping me out.
Fuck that heartless bitch from [b]Time-Warner [/b]for being such a goddamn whore on the phone.

[i]Oh, and if anyone wants to throw me some money for Roadrunner, I'll gladly take it.[/i]
 
THE LIFE AND TIMES OF TRENT STEEL
05.02.04 (4:21 pm)   [edit]
[b]Todays Episode:[/b] [i]Im Buying A Gun[/i]

Well kids, I know its been a long time since the man of Steel has rapped at ya, but Ive been busy.

Busy doing what, you may ask?

Busy talking myself out of sex. I swear to God, Allah, Buddha, Odin, and Lord of the Sea and Winds that the next time it happens Im buying a fucking gun! Now, I know you may be curious how a smooth mofo like myself can commit such a heinous act as turning down good old-fashioned, commitment-free, drunken sex. Ill tell ya, it involves 10 easy steps, and if you would like to give it a try, Ill break it down for you.

[b]DISCLAIMER[/b]: [i]You can only do this with a stranger. If you try this with someone you know, you'll never live it down and will take so much shit when your friends find out, you WILL go crazy and become a serial killer. Not even a COOL serial killer, but one that sodomizes homeless people to death with small dogs. You'll be known in the news as the "Terrier Ass-rammer."[/i]

[b]Step 1.[/b] Meet a stranger; this is best accomplished at a social gathering with friends, bar, or party of some sort.

[b]Step 2.[/b] Start a rapport with the female. This is easier said than done, but involves a little chit-chat, a few dirty jokes, and a little alcohol. This step can also be done over a couple of days or a few hours, depending on the level of alcohol involved.

[b]Step 3.[/b] Based on the events of the day, begin to drink (A LOT). Remember, the quarry you seek probably doesnt have your Herculean alcohol tolerance, so in order to really fuck this up youll need to be REALLY wasted. Anyone with a moderate drunk-on would never turn sex down.

[b]Steps 4-8.[/b] Time to REALLY tie one on by playing drinking games and doing shots. Fuck it, throw in your drug of choice, but only if it makes you RETARDED. By this time youll know that if you want sex, shes down for it. You'll get the confidence, and in this case confidence is a bad thing. By the time you get around [b]Step 7[/b], youll be going out to the nearest bar to do some shots because you're fucking wasted. You KNOW this chick wants to fuck you, but you have no idea that the dreaded [b]Step 9[/b] is rapidly approaching.

[b]Step 9.[/b] Take her home and fuck it up. If youve been playing by these rules, by the time you leave the bar (when the bar closes or they throw you out), you're so shit-canned you can't find your ass with both hands and a flashlight.
Now this is the trickiest part: [i]Fuck it up[/i]. This sounds easy, but is actually quite difficult. I can't tell you exactly how to do it (see [b]Steps 3-8[/b]), but in my humble opinion the best time to fuck it up is sometime after you have a high school-level grope session on the couch. After the groping, when she is jonesin' for it and begging you to do God-knows-what nasty, dirty, illegal-in-Utah thing to her, THATS the time to fuck it up. I like to call this dropping the ball on the one-yard-line."
Then pass out, throw up, make a sandwich... Fuck, its up to you. You know you're not getting laid so the world is your oyster.

[b]Step 10.[/b] Wake up, realize what you did (actually, DIDN'T do) and hang your head in shame. When the mornings harsh light wakes you, look around. About the time you notice you're wearing the clothes you had on the night before, you'll begin to piece together the events of the previous day.
Oh fuck me, I did it again, you'll say to yourself, but what you fail to realize is you're STILL WASTED. This being the case, you'll decide its a good idea to tell your friends how you fucked it up. A good laugh is had by all, and you go back to sleep...
You wake up again and realize that not only did you shoot yourself in the foot with the chick, but you told everyone about it because at the time you thought it was funny. Hang head in shame...

Well kids thats about it. If you feel that youve been getting laid WAAAAAY too often as of late, please feel free to give the Steel Method a whirl.

But I shit you not, if I do this one more time (in the next month or so) Im buying a fucking gun. Youll hear about it on the news for weeks, and itll be the story of the century.

[i]Hugs and kisses, and fuck you all
Your pal,
Trent Steel [/i]
 
I'm Back, Bitches!
04.26.04 (5:51 pm)   [edit]
It's a Monday, I have tomorrow off (kinda), so I'm drinking. Drinking fuels creativity, so I've decided to return to my forum.

Since I always throw out lists when I rant, I'm gonna continue the trend. But first, let me get this out of the way (even though it's highly contradictory)

[b]STOP DOING LIST ISSUES, FUCKERS[/b]

This is a plea to EVERY FUCKING magazine I subscribe to. [b]Blender, SPIN, Revolver, Alternative Press[/b], etc. You really don't have to "out-list" each other. I already paid my subscription, you've got me for the next year. I swear to fucking god, if I see one more "List Issue" I'm gonna commit homeless homicide*.

Now comes the contradictory part. I'm gonna keep on listing, like I always have. And, since my rants seem to take a pop culture bent, I'm gonna stick with that as well. So, now I present, in no particular order (take THAT, cohesiveness!):

[b]THE TOP 20 MEDIA YOU NEED TO HEAR/SEE/READ[/b]

Anything with David Cross (Mr Show, Stand-up, etc)
Opeth "Lamentations" DVD
ISIS "Oceanic" CD
"Most Extreme Elimination Challenge" on SPIKE TV
[u]Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs[/u] by Chuck Klosterman
Any book by Chuck Pahliniuk
"Kill Bill" Vol. 1 & 2
[u]The Dirt[/u] - Motley Crue biography
Any David Fincher-directed movie (including "Aliens 3")
Kyuss CDs - "Blues For The Red Sun"/"Sky Valley"/"And The Circus Leaves Town"
The entire [u]Lone Wolf & Cub[/u] manga series (Dark Horse Comics)
[u]Wildcats 3.0[/u] (Wildstorm comics)
Comedy Central, even though they lost SNL and MAD TV is just not as good
"American Chopper" on Discovery Channel
Dane Cook, Mitch Hedberg, Doug Swardson, and Zach Galifianakis (live or taped)
Failure CDs - "Comfort"/Magnified"/"Fan tastic Planet"
"Adult Swim" on Cartoon Network
My rants (when they appear)
[u]Sleeper[/u] (Wildstorm comics)
"Wet Hot American Summer" DVD
Anything Will Ferrell touches

There ya go... I need another beer. You can actually print this list out and check off everything you accomplish. Whomever accomplished the most gets a high-five from me next time I see 'em.

Trust me, you'll be a better person for doing this list. Well, not a [i]better[/i] person, but you won't suck as much.

[i]*I've recently realized how much I've painted myself into a corner with my spite and anger. I can never run for political office, nor run/head a major corporation based on my humor. I don't think "burning homeless people" will win me any kind of award/vote, unless my friends voted. Still, it's funny.[/i]
 
Apocalypse NOW
04.03.04 (11:30 pm)   [edit]
[i]This is going to be an ongoing tangent. Whenever I see something that signals the oncoming imminent approach of the Apocalypse, I'm gonna jot it down. Nothing too fancy, but sure signs. Start praying, if that's your thing.[/i]

[b]SIGN ONE:[/b]
Bob Dylan is doing [b]Victoria's Secret [/b]commercials.

Yes... BOB DYLAN...

IN THE COMMERCIALS...

THE Bob Dylan...

I'd build a fallout shelter NOW, fuckers...
 
Re-hash THIS Idea, Assclowns!
04.02.04 (4:52 pm)   [edit]
[i]This is a sincere and unapologetic missive to Hollywood. I know the following will never be read by anyone in any position to do anything, and if it was... no one would do anything. Still, when the hate builds up, you need to vent. Some kill homeless people... I also write.[/i]

Dear Hollywood:

I've been an avid fan of your works for years. You've guided me through some points in my life and kept me smiling through the bad times. I have fond memories of many of your works, and continue to re-watch several favorite films to this day.

Which leads me to my point.

STOP MAKING FUCKING RE-MAKES OF MOVIES/TV SHOWS/CARTOONS/ETC.

I'd appreciate having the $3.95 I spent at Blockbuster on your recent piece of swill, "[b]The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2004)[/b]". This piece of dogshit doesn't even deserve the name "[b]Massacre[/b]," let alone the term "remake/reimagining."

Now, I'm not the biggest horror buff. I avoid most slasher flicks like the plague, but intrigue and interest in the ORIGINAL version of the movie brought about this horrible rental.

Shame on you, Hollywood.

This piece of drek isn't even SCARY. The director uses the same techniques every shitty horror movie uses to try and scare us: tense music, characters running across the screen, screaming, uneasy silences, etc. The problem is, the movie and actors are so fucking horrible that I couldn't even muster up any interest to BE scared. I was left staring at Jessica Biel's titties, even though she never took off her shirt.

I also watched the latest "[b]Dawn Of The Dead[/b]" in the theaters. While this movie sucked as well, it was at least enjoyably gory and darkly humorous. It dragged, yet still kept my attention. Still, it was a shitty fucking remake.

Here's some tips from me, the expert on everything:

1) [b]Even If A Classic Movie Looks Like Shit Now, DON'T FUCK WITH IT! [/b]
That's why it's called "classic" and not "current," you fuckwads. Learn from George Lucas' mistakes. Remaking old movies DOESN'T make them better.

2) [b]If You DO Remake A Movie, ADD NUDITY![/b]Female nudity, morons. If Jessica Biel had gotten topless, I DEFINITELY would've enjoyed that movie.

3) [b]Gross Does Not Equal Scary.[/b]
"[b]Massacre[/b]" totally fucked up on this front. Although there's creepy skin-carving and a dude hanging from a hook, that's still not scary. If you're trying to make me vomit, show me Star Jones naked. If you're trying to scare me, don't resort to stupid shit.

4) [b]DON'T REDO THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE![/b]
Anyone remember Gus Van Sant's [b]"Psycho[/b]" remake? The one where he re-did it shot for shot? Yeah. Neither do I, and neither does America. That was fucking worthless, even though it had nudity. Anne Heche's twiggy adolescent body doesn't equal hot, guys. The only ones who maybe enjoyed this movie are film geeks who dissect films to study shots and misc-en-scene and shit (see, I DID learn something in Film 101).

Now comes the time when I list the last few movies I saw that were good or excellent. Hence, do NOT remake this movies, copy these movies, etc. Watch them, get their essence and see why they rocked. Then come up with YOUR OWN FUCKING IDEAS and incorporate some of their formats:

[b]Lost In Translation[/b] - Bill Murray owns your ass.
[b]Mystic River [/b]- Shitty ending, awesome movie.
[b]Pirates Of The Carribbean[/b] - Don't know why, but it rocked.

And that's about it. Most new movies fucking blow, and don't get me started on "[b]The Passion[/b]" because I haven't seen it and don't give two shits enough TO see it.

Fuck you, Hollywood.

Love,
trevordanger

[i]PS - I want my money back by next month, or Michael Bay is dead.[/i]
 
Immediate Nostalgia
03.16.04 (12:07 pm)   [edit]
I think we as a culture are fast approaching a time warp. The space between events occurring and remembering those events fondly has reached its apex. It's pretty fucking frightening if you actually sit and think about it.

I remember going to high school with kids who wore retro 70s bullshit clothing: tie-dyed shirts and bellbottoms and all that. There were nostalgic for a generation they hadn't even lived through (and disco, which is forever horrible). These kids had Jim Morrison posters on their wall and threw peace signs and all that shit. Needless to say, I hated all of them.

How can you be nostalgic about a time period you never experienced? And when did the time span between current and "retro" shrink to ten years? In the 90s, the retro kids wore 70s clothes. Now, the kids wear 80s and 90s clothes for the ironic look. VH1 has a show called "The Best Week Ever" which reminisces about the PREVIOUS WEEK. You need time to lapse before you can fondly remember stuff. Don't get me wrong, that show is fucking hilarious, but it's the perfect example of this scary trend of immediate nostalgia.

Another good example is this Joss Stone bitch. She's like 15 or something and sings like an old black soul singer. And what fucking song is her single? A cover of the White Stripes' "Fell In Love With A Girl," which only came out two years ago! You can't do an homage to a song/band that is still relevant. That's the fucking rules. Covering shitty old songs and tweaking them to your style is acceptable. Covering old songs from bands that are still around but shouldn't be (Aerosmith, Rolling Stones, etc) is also acceptable.

YOU CANNOT COVER A SONG THAT ONLY CAME OUT TWO YEARS AGO.

It's written down somewhere, I'm fucking positive. What's next? A song coming out tomorrow, then covered by someone else the following day? I'd be personally offended if I was Jack White and some pre-fabricated pre-teen is getting famous for singing my song. Not just singing it, but fucking butchering it.

Who is actually sitting around going, "That's a great fucking cover. WAAY better than the original.."? Jesus Christ, you need to let stuff fade away before you rehash them. The music industry is in such a state of utter shit that they're already raping the corpses before they get cold.

Speaking of music, if I see one more goddamn Kurt Cobain article, I'm gonna kill someone. I understand how relevant he was, and his music is awesome, but let it go. Maybe the reason I'm so bitter is because I actually remember the day Cobain died and experienced the Nirvana/grunge boom personally. Seeing kids wearing Cobain/Nirvana shirts today seems petty and trivial. Is that how our parents felt when our generation rocked Doors shirts? I think Cobain was instrumental and vital to jumpstarting the music industry, but not to the fact that he's become the martyr he is today. Without "Nevermind" and all that, he'd just be another suicide.

I dunno, maybe I just can't consider people who lived during my life "revolutionary" or "geniuses." People who died before I was born have a certain myth status to them that I can latch onto. I didn't see them on TV day in and day out. We've reached the 10-year mark on Cobain's death. Here's looking forward to the 15 and 20 year memorials (which are inevitable).
 
The Quick And The Pointless
03.05.04 (9:37 pm)   [edit]
[i]Alright. I've come to the realization that I don't get that genuinely pissed at most things anymore. Either that, or I'm so drained after my menial job that I don't want to take the time to type. I'm banking on the second theory.

Still, when I drink enough, everything that pisses me off is thrown at me in one fell swoop. So, for the sake of an update, I'm gonna attack several fronts at once. This is gonna be fast and furious, so make sure you hang on:[/i]

[b]311[/b] - Here's a tip: slowing down The Cure's [b]"Love Song"[/b] and making the drum beat [i]"white reggae"[/i] does [u]NOT[/u] constitute a cover song. Give it up. You stopped being relevant once I graduated high school. [i]ACTUALLY[/i], you stopped being relevant once I stopped smoking pot. And that was [u]BEFORE[/u] I graduated high school.

[b]Iron Pony[/b] - I don't know what market you're targeting, but you have the "Retarded Redneck With Access To Cable" market [u]SEALED[/u]. Stop advertising. Bikers who need shit know to go to you. You're not going to sway anyone with your backwards-ass commercials.

[b]John Henson[/b] - You kicked SOOO much ass on [b]"Talk Soup"[/b] but your new show is sucking more than a Flowbee. My prayers are with ya, and you have the right formula (keeping Tom and Alan Wu), but cable TV doesn't need another smarmy wiseass with his own show right now. Hopefully you can overcome, but right now it's painful to watch.

[b]Beer[/b] - Thank Jeebus you were created. You make everything tolerable and people more interesting. God bless.

[b]Every "New" Band On Radio[/b] - Please please please please shut the fuck up. If I hear that "[i]I Hate Everything About You"[/i] song ONE more fucking time, I'm buying a gun. I liked it better back in 1998, when the band was called [b]FINGER ELEVEN [/b]and I was stupid enough to enjoy nasally Canadian "singing."

Oh, and Fred Durst, I know this is a tired subject, but NEVER COVER ANOTHER SONG AGAIN. I liked [u]Three Dollar Bill Y'all[/u] when I was in high school. That is my shame, and I live with it. I've moved on, and so should you. I've never heard the original [b]"Behind Blue Eyes,"[/b] but you've officially ruined it. I now hate The Who, and you're to blame.

[b]Girls Gone Wild[/b] - Anyone who buys shitty softcore porn via TELEVISION deserves what they get - shitty videos of semi-good-looking women showing their horrible chests. It doesn't matter how good the new commercial looks: It's still the same tape, edited differently. Spend your hard-earned money at a porno shop.

[b]America[/b] - You officially suck. Not only is Bush probably gonna be re-elected, but you dumb fuckers allowed Todd from [b]Todd TV[/b] to keep his new life by a 72% MARGIN. That's retarded. This smug fuck gets to keep a recording contract, a motorcycle, a new house, etc. I guess America doesn't like to see people getting what they deserve. I've become even more disillusioned, if that was humanly possible.

Alright. I feel much better. There will be a rant on the state of shitty music in the upcoming weeks, so stay tuned.
 
How To Beat A Hangover
02.26.04 (8:53 pm)   [edit]
Fuck [b]Chaser[/b].

For those of you who don't know what [b]Chaser[/b] is, it's some new miracle pill that somehow prevents hangovers. You have to take the pill after 3 drinks, which leads to drug abuse in my case, but somehow it prevents the painful hangover in the morning. If you haven't seen the commercial, it's classic. Be sure to check it out, and watch in awe as the hungover guy holds himself back from slapping the living shit out of the chipper, non-hungover woman. I laugh every time.

Still, I've found a cheaper remedy to hangovers AND drunkiness. It's called [b]"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno."[/b]

Sweet Jesus, this show is fucking horrible. I've had a few drinks tonight, and thanks to Leno's monologue I'm now fucking sober. Thanks a lot, assclown.

Now, there's always been the "Dave vs. Jay" debate for as long as they've been on separate networks. I've always sided with Dave, since he had the kick-ass Top Ten list and generally put on a better show. Since my college years, though, I've found myself more drawn towards [b]"The Daily Show"[/b] and [b]"Late Night With Conan O'Brien."[/b] They target my demographic, and they appeal to my twisted sense of humor.

It's been years since I've actually watched either Jay or Dave, but I had the misfortune of catching Leno tonight. I think even HE realizes how fucking horrible his jokes are. He appeals to the lowest common level, and even THOSE people think he sucks. I don't know what happened, but this guy could not possibly get worse. His monologues suck, his skits are worthless, and his interviews are C-grade at best.

Don't think Letterman has gotten off easy. Even though he survived a quadruple-bypass surgery back in the day, Letterman has slacked a bit since I used to watch him. Maybe almost dying makes you ease up on your edge, but Letterman seems a lot tamer than he used to be. He beats gags into the ground and for some reason still has Paul Shaffer as his cohost.

Given a fight, though, my money's still on Letterman.

I advise anyone who finds Leno entertaining to avoid my presence, for fear of reprisal. This guy is hideously untalented and needs to be removed forcefully from the air. He's made enough money and bought enough cars for his lifetime. Time to be put out to pasture.

If not that, then I've got the shotgun and just need to borrow a barn. (Old Yeller-style, beeyotch!)

So, to conclude: Fuck buying pills to prevent hangovers. Simply watch the [b]"Tonight Show"[/b] and sober up before bed. You'll save money, yet lose brain cells... still, sacrifices must be made.