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The Life and Times Of Trent Steel

01.28.04 (4:41 pm) [edit]

[i]Trent Steel makes his return, folks... remember to post comments if you're digging his shit![/i]

This Week's Episode: [b]Senile Island[/b]

I’ve been watching reality shows from the beginning: [b]Real World, Road Rules, Survivor, Temptation Island, American Idol[/b]...

Wow... I’m a fucking loser...

Point being, I’ve seen them all. In my unfortunately extensive survey of these “reality” shows, I have noticed one common theme: These shows are the furthest thing from reality.

They're not in the same game, the same league, or even the same fucking sport. Bottom line, the shows are fake. They have all become more than predictable, and can in fact be grouped into four subsections encompassing the entire reality show genre:

[b]Group 1:[/b] [i]Shows Where You Live Together And Must Constantly Do Stupid Shit[/i]
[b]The Real World[/b] is a show where strangers live together, and once the initial novelty of who’s a drunk/who’s gay/who put their dick in the peanut butter wears off, the people on the show must begin to do a cadre of stupid shit. These unfortunate individuals must do these completely inane tasks because no one who isn’t on morphine suppositories could sit and watch these dumb asses just hanging around a nice, free, big ass house all day. The first couple seasons were OK, but come on, that horse has run it’s last race. Time to haul it off to the Pedigree factory.

[b]Group 2:[/b] [i]Shows Where People Must Do Incredibly Stupid Shit To Win Money:[/i]
These are among the worst offenders of the “reality” premise. OK kids, we're going to ship your ass off to an island and call the show [b]Survivor[/b]. Now, you're not really going to be in any REAL danger, but we’ll spin it like you're in a life and death struggle every day. Oh yeah, you have to vote someone off every few days and the last one on the island gets a whole shit ton of money.
Come the fuck on, what genius came up with this shit? The only way I’m ever going to watch this show again is if instead of voting people off every three days, they send in twice the amount of people and half the amount of food necessary to sustain said people. You know who will win? [i]The guy who wasn’t afraid to eat Tom[/i].
Speaking of eating shit, [b]Fear Factor [/b]just needs to be stopped. This show proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that people are all whores who will do anything for a few bucks. I don’t care how much cash you throw on the table, I’m not eating a leech-and-wormshit sandwich with monkey spooge sauce.

[b]Group 3:[/b] [i]I Love You, Or Maybe I Don’t[/i]:
I’m not going to spend a lot of time on these; they’re all the same. Boy/girl meets one or several other boys/girls and bedlam ensues. The real kicker for these shows is the "Love or Money" option. This conversation will some day occur in a bar:

[u]Guy One:[/u] “Yeah man, met my wife on a reality show. Had to turn down a million bucks, but man I love her.”

[u]Guy Two:[/u] “Wow man, that’s super. You got to be on TV AND met a great woman! You’re a lucky guy. Too bad about that million bucks though.”

[u]Guy One:[/u] “That's the only thing I regret, but I still think I'm the luckiest guy on earth.”

At this point, I appear out of thin air with a pillow case full of jelly jars and proceed to beat both of these dumbasses into a bloody pulp. Mark my words, it will happen. The bottom line: Don’t watch these shows. They're stupid, and if you disagree, go and swallow a bottle of pills. Any kind, your choice... I’ll wait.

[b]Group 4:[/b] [i]Reality Shows That Are Aired On The FOX Network[/i]
Yeah FOX, you got your own category. That’s really got to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Wait, I forgot, no one at FOX [b]HAS[/b] any insides. I’m serious about this. I think that FOX may be the most evil organization in the history of mankind.
I don’t care how badass you think your group is. I don’t care if you're in the Klan, I don’t care if you're in a gang. Your hobby can be eating orphans and setting homeless people on fire... You are still not as evil as FOX.
Compared to FOX, the Nazis look like Greenpeace. Rupert Murdoch is like a mix of Attila the Hun, Peter the Great, and Darth Vader all rolled into one.
FOX has the audacity to put shows like [b]American Idol, The Simple Life[/b], and [b]Joe Millionaire [/b]on the air, so they obviously have no sense of conscience or decency. FOX would look a little kid in the eye and smile while they fed him his puppy, then piss in his apple juice while he wasn't looking.
For all of these things, I am convinced that every one that works for FOX will someday be burning in hell. And for that I say: Way to go FOX, I’ll see ya there someday. Now I’m going to drink and drive. Hope I run your dog over!

Hugs and kisses,
[i]Trent Steel[/i]

Take It And Enjoy

01.27.04 (9:50 pm) [edit]

[i]I just moved here from another server, so you new people get a fistfull of my old rants...

Read up, enjoy, and try not to get too whiny. I'll be back tomorrow for a fresh new rant on whatever seems to piss me off.[/i]

Colin Quinn, Shut The Fuck Up

01.27.04 (9:48 pm) [edit]

Yet another quality TV show that is ruined by an inept host. I'm talking about Comedy Central's "Tough Crowd" and its jackass host, Colin Quinn.

Plenty of criticism and spite has been directed at this dude since he "resurrected" his career on Saturday Night Live. Is it just me, or was he quite possibly the WORST cast member since David McKean?
[i]Not that it was McKean's fault... he's a genius when it comes to improv (Spinal Tap, Mighty Wind, etc), but that whole mid-90's replacement cast fucking sucked. The writing was horrible, they relied on Farley's overacting too much, and it was like a black hole on TV. [/i]

Still, that cast was light-years better than Quinn.

I'm sure he's a funny comedian. I've never seen his stand-up, and I use that to gauge a comedian. I saw some clips of him in Jerry Seinfeld's "Comedian" and he seems like he knows his shit and has paid his dues in the NY comedy scene. That doesn't mean he needs to host his own show.

First off, he mumbles and stutters like a retarded newborn. If you can't read a cue card, don't host a show. Simple as that.

He ruled on "Remote Control" because he didn't say shit unless he had to. He was that badass mysterious dude who was too cool for you. Plus, he was probably drunk every episode. THEN, he was funny. Fast forward to his "rebirth" on SNL," though...

Can anyone else remember how fucking horrible he was on "Weekend Update"? Jesus Christ, that whole run sucked. He'd fuck up on the tempo and the delivery of quality jokes, then shrug it off like it was the audience's fault. How the hell he went from bit parts to hosting makes no sense to me. Of course, no one will ever beat Norm Macdonald's run (with Kevin Nealon as a close second). Still, at least Quinn knew he sucked. That self-deprecation is appealing when compared to the smarminess of Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon. Fallon needs beat with a brick for the same reason Bush does: smugness.

Now Quinn has to host a half-hour show AND read cue cards. I don't force stutterers to read me "The Great Gatsby"; Comedy Central should not make Quinn read cue cards (or be on the show at all). Here's my ideas for how the show could improve:

[b]1. Get Rid Of The Sketches [/b]
I watch the show for the arguing and taunting between the panel members. They have some quality comedians on that show, night after night, and Colin Quinn needs to open his fucking mouth and interrupt every three seconds to make no sense at all. The sketches at the end of the show are often stupid, long, and NOT FUNNY. Quinn sucks when he tries to read a cue card... don't make him perform an entire sketch.

[b]2. Shut The Fuck Up, Quinn [/b]
Like I said before, I'm sure Colin's funny in his own right. But just because your name's in the title doesn't mean you should talk the whole time. You have four other (funnier) comedians... let them talk. I know most (if not all) of the responses are pre-scripted, but at least those people can deliver them without stuttering or blushing. Greg Giraldo is consistently amusing, as is Jim Norton. There are some guests that really aren't that funny, but they're still funnier than anything Quinn mumbles.

[b]3. Leave Norton Alone [/b]
Jim Norton has got to be one of the funniest comedians I've heard in a long time, and I wouldn't know about him if it wasn't for this show. That's the only accolade I'm gonna give Quinn. He's always funny, and when he fucks up he admits it. Quinn always rides his ass and goes off on every dumb thing Norton says, which to me is the pot calling the kettle black. If Quinn could get off a whole line without fucking it up, MAYBE he could rip on other people. Let Norton do his material, Quinn. In fact, let him host the fucking show. At least he can read.

[b]4. More Nick DiPaulo [/b]
This dude is probably the most genuinely racist person I've ever seen on TV. He makes Archie Bunker look weak. When DiPaulo gets started, it's some of the funniest shit in the world. Not that I enjoy racism, but I do enjoy when racist people are unabashed in their beliefs. DiPaulo isn't afraid to speak his mind, even to big-ass dudes like Patrice O'Neal. As a bonus, when DiPaulo's on one of his rants, that's more time that Quinn isn't fucking up.

Overall, I still watch and enjoy the show. I'm not a comedian, and I understand how fucking hard that life is. I have respect for everyone on the show, because even a shitty comic like Quinn is still a working comic. For anyone who's ever thought they could do stand-up, watch "Comedian" and come back to me. Even better, try and do open mike at your local comedy club. Try not to get hurt while bombing, pal.

Comedy Central, either replace Quinn or let him do his own thing. He obviously can't host for shit and has the reading capacity of a four-year-old. He seems like he can be funny if given the chance, so make him a guest. Let someone more polished host the show.

[i]At least there's one thing I can agree with Quinn on: Dat Phan fucking sucks. That guy is so incredibly NOT funny. How the hell he won "Last Comic Standing" blows my mind. [/i]

Vote For Me, Fuckers!

01.27.04 (9:46 pm) [edit]

First off, a little message to George Bush. Dude, wipe that smug fucking smile off your goddamn face. There's nothing more annoying than someone who smiles stupid little smiles. It's not warming, or soothing... it's actually fucking creepy and I KNOW you're hiding something.

He looks like a kid who stole some candy. He knows he's not supposed to have it, but he can't help but be smug about it. The worst part of the whole fucking situation is that Dubya can't even DEFINE "smug" (or spell it).

Yet again, I'm not gonna get into all of the arguments that have been beat to death about Dubya. We all know he didn't win the election in 2000. As for the shit about Iraq and all that, I'm not getting involved. He knows he fucked up, but he's not gonna do anything about it. I've got friends and family over there, so I support them. But not the President. If I see that smug smile one more fucking time...

I'm gonna punch my roommate. Test me... I'll do it, fuckers.

Now, we have all these fucking idiots running for the Democratic candidacy. Sweet Jesus, these are a couple of winners. I've read up on these dumbfucks and I've decided to throw MY hat into the ring. I have no money, no advertising, and no fans. But here's why you should vote my ass into office:

[b]1. I'm Not George W. Bush [/b]
This my main platform. I really don't get involved in abortion/social security/health care stuff. The main reason I belong in the White House? To get that smirking sumbitch out.

[b]2. Things Can Only Get Better [/b]
Seriously, how can this country get any worse? Dubya did his goddamn best to run it into the ground in ONLY 4 years:
*We're fighting a worthless war started over groundless reasons
*Just about anyone could be a possible terrorist, and now I have to get an enema just to ride on an airplane
*Jobs are rare and unemployment is as high as a stoner with a Q-P
[i]The worst I could do: Get really ripped and pass out naked on the White House lawn.[/i]

[b]3. I'm Gonna Destroy Any Job That Wouldn't Hire Me [/b]
Yeah, company that made me take a personality test? You're gone. I'm gonna raze your building and turn it into a monument to your futility and stupidity. Then, I'm gonna label whoever invented that personality test a "terrorist" and send their ass to that Al-Qaeda summer camp we have. Who likes "teamwork" now?

[b]4. I Will Punch You In The Face[/b]
Don't test me. Ask my roommate if you don't believe me. Vote for me, or I'll punch you in the face.

[b]5. I Promise Fifty-Two States [/b]
Yeah. Canada? Um... Time's up, eh. We've let you believe you're another country for long enough. You're officially North Michigan now. Give us your hot strippers and good beer.
[i]Oh, and you can keep Quebec and your funny money. I don't want a $5 coin when I'm trying to get a lap dance. It's pretty awkward trying to tip with loose change, hosers. [/i]

[b]6. I'm NOT George W. Bush [/b]
Really. I have nothing in common with that dude. Except for drinking. I'll even take a spelling/grammar test.

I know whatever Democratic candidate that runs against Bush is gonna get torn down faster than your sister's skirt on prom night. They're all sacrificial lambs so Bush can fuck our asses for four more years. Know that, and fear for America. I'll be too busy drinking myself into oblivion.

Do You "Strongly Disagree" With What I'm About To Say?

01.27.04 (9:44 pm) [edit]

Fuck the job market. Seriously. Fuck all of this stupid "jumping through hoops" bullshit that comes with finding a fucking job. I'm seriously pissed now.

I drove an hour to a possible job to take a computer test. This is a common procedure, and basically the last step (short of a drug test) towards getting the job. Now, first off, this job really didn't appeal to me. I'd be calling patients and doctor's offices that were late with payments and try to get money off of them. Eight hours a day I'd be doing this, forty hours a week. Doesn't seem too appealing, but it was the only business that had bothered to call me back.

So, I'm all dressed nice and whatnot and I go back to take the computer test. My buddy, a former employee, warned me about the test beforehand, so I was prepared. It was fucking simple. Even a blind retard could pass one of these. There were three parts, each equally stupid:

[b]1. The Logic/Verbal Test[/b]
You read a paragraph, then answer idiotic questions relating to the paragraph. The try and trick you by mixing up different sets of numbers and shit, but it's really easy. Every answer is either TRUE, FALSE, or NO CONCLUSION (because there's not enough information). Simple, right?

[b]2. The Math Test [/b]
If you passed high school, or even went for two days, you could pass this test. Simple multiplication and division, plus some distance questions. The only question I didn't answer was the area question, and that's only because I suck at square feet. Plus, I'm applying for a fucking CUSTOMER SERVICE position, not a job recarpeting your den. Assholes.

[b]3. The Personality Test [/b]
You've all taken these, and I think they should be banned. Fuck whoever invented this shitty gauge to figure out a person's personality. There's no way you can know me as an employee (let alone a person) by finding out how much I agree/disagree with stupid questions. This test took the cake, though. 138 questions of this shit. I about threw up.

So, I finished the test in record time, and waited for my new job. The hiring lady comes over and tells me I didn't pass the test. My logical response, of course, was "What the fuck? What part?" I was told she couldn't get that information. The computer calculates the shit and says RECOMMEND or DO NOT RECOMMEND. Yeah. My entire future career will be decided by a fickle fucking computer.

So, I'm thinking... what part could I have possibly botched? Definitely not the first two, since I'm not a fucking moron. Hell, a crippled dude with a mullet came in and filled out an application as I was leaving. I bet his simple ass gets the job.

The Personality Test had to have fucked me. It had all these warnings beforehand, like "Answer truthfully, not how you think we'd want the answers." And the worst fucking part? There was no NEITHER AGREE NOR DISAGREE button. Instead I get a fucking CAN'T SAY button that I found myself using frequently because of the vague wording of each question.

Actual question: "[i]I enjoy working in a team all the time[/i]"
My answer: "DISAGREE"

All the fucking time? Hell no. I've been in too many group projects at school that ended up fucked because one idiot wasn't pulling his load. I'd much rather work by myself and have all the blame placed on me when/if I fuck up. Still, teams can be alright in some settings, but do I get that option as an answer? No. Does the computer realize my stance on this question more than the button I click? No. And that's why I got fucked.

The worst part about the whole thing is the fact that I'm severely overqualified for that job. I answered the questionnaire honestly (lying on obvious trick questions like "Do you hate everyone?"), and now I have to wait 6 months to apply again. Yeah... I'll be holding my breath for that shit.

Now I'm even more jaded than before, because I find myself lying on all applications that involve a questionnaire about personality. I answer all the questions like they'd want me to. If they find out after I'm hired that I'm not the person that showed up on the test, that's their fucking fault. Should've interviewed me personally to know me. I'm now on a mission to ruin this goddamn test and those who use it.

Hey, stupid fucking companies that resolve their hiring policy based on a computer printout instead of a face-to-face interview... FUCK YOU. Seriously. Fuck your computers and fuck your jobs. I hope someone like me gets into your system and tears that fucker down from the inside.

Subway is Run By The Devil

01.27.04 (9:42 pm) [edit]

[i]This column is done by a guest writer, Trent Steel. I'm not responsible for the hate it will inevitably create. Just know that Trent might be a regular correspondent if things go well... [/i]

OK, I’m sure that everyone has been in Subway before, or at least seen the dumb ass commercials. I’m convinced that Subway is being run by the Devil. Here is my logic behind this:

[b]Seven Subs Under Six Grams Of Fat[/b]: I don’t care how many NASA scientists and Nobel prize winning chemists you have on your payroll, there is no way that any group of mortal men could have come up with this list of subs. It is impossible.

[b]Sandwich Artists[/b]: Any company that calls their employees “[i]sandwich artists[/i]” is clearly up to no good. Never at any point in history has the combination of bread, vegetables, and meat been considered art. Thus the title “[i]sandwich artists[/i]” is clearly some demonic code word for “[i]in my mortal life I was a priest who had ass sex with little boys and once fucked a donkey[/i]." There can be no other explanation why some entity could be so cruel as to name the inane souls that whip together my B.M.T. a “[i]sandwich artist[/i].”

[b]The Subway Diet[/b]: The premise behind the Subway diet goes as follows:
1. Eat subs from Subway every day of your life.
2. Lose weight, but live a life of torment because you have become a tool of the Subway marketing department.
3. Gain weight back when you decide you won't be a gear in the Subway machine anymore.
4. In cloud of depression and whiskey-fueled rage, murder a family.
5. Plead insanity, get sent to state run mental institution, get constantly sodomized by guards who call you their "[i]Little Piggy[/i]."
6. Save up medication for months in hope to commit suicide via overdose, have stash of pills discovered by guards, guards in turn let gang of retards called "[i]The Lefties[/i]" run a train on you for three solid days.
7. Upon release from infirmary get shivved in the neck.
8. From massive bloodloss and ensuing stroke become a vegetable, get sent to different state-run institution for vegetables.
9. Get molested by creepy janitor named Jeff three nights a week for twenty years, until you die in a pool of urine from lack of care.

[b]Jared Fogle[/b]: I’m not sure the exact details of Jared’s life up to the point of his inception as grand wizard of Subway dieters, but I think it went something like this. Jared was born to a crack whore, with sperm donated from Hitler, behind a Subway shop. The manager adopted him and at the age of three made Jared his S&M love slave. After countless years of rectal abuse, Jared escaped his tormentors and became very fat. One fateful day while in clown college, Jared tried to swallow an entire chicken leg and began to choke. Near the moment of death, the devil appeared to him and offered him a Faustian deal to become leader of the Subway diet cult. In return, Jared had to become the biggest goof dick ass clown in the entire world. The rest is history.

What is the moral of the story? Subway is an evil, evil place, avoid it like the plague or go to Hell.
Hugs and Kisses,
[i]Trent Steel [/i]

Wanna Watch Me Play HALO For Eighteen Hours?

01.27.04 (9:38 pm) [edit]

Whoever came up with the idea for a cable channel dedicated to video gaming was probably high at the time. I know for a fact that half the people watching said channel are high right now. It seems like a stupid concept, but someone honestly thought there was a fucking void that needed filled. Like there's not enough shit clogging the airwaves.

G4TV reminds me a lot of early MTV, even though I was a baby when MTV started. They don't have a lot of programming, so they're forced to repeat the same "shows" ad naseum. The entire concept of G4TV, to cover the rapidly growing video game industry, is a novel idea. Too bad they don't have the content to back it up.

I constantly find myself watching this shit, just as I find myself watching "The Real World." It's the result of me being lazy and nothing else being on TV. With my hours of "research" complete, I now present why everything on G4TV sucks my fucking balls:

[b]Blister[/b]
The jackass who hosts this show cheeses it up so much, I want to punch him repeatedly in the face like that scene in Fight Club. The show is dedicated to action/adventure gaming, but any interesting content they have is ruined by that fucking douchebag, Bill Sindelar. Now, in his defense, I'm sure he's only playing a role with the lines he's given, but stop acting like a fucking 3rd-rate Jim Carrey.

[b]Cheat [/b]
This show is a neat concept, if you're a total fucking gaming geek. They give you cheat codes throughout the show for games you can't be playing because you're [i]WATCHING THE FUCKING SHOW ON TV[/i]. In their defense, all of the codes are online, which makes me wonder why this show is necessary. Couldn't they just link the site with a 10-second commercial? And the host of this piece of shit is almost worse than Sindelar: He's a complete fucking tool trying to act cool. I think he realizes what a fucking moron he is, but he can't help it. He reminds you of your little brother: Always wanting to hang out with you to feel cool. Needy little fuck.

[b]Judgement Day/Electric Playground[/b]
I'm grouping these together because they have the same hosts. [b]Electric Playground[/b] is a combination video game/movie/comic book show. It also has that Mormon bitch from the "Real World: New Orleans" as a co-host. This show is never really shown much, and when it is it's usually a repeat. [b]Judgement Day[/b], however, is actually entertaining. Two dudes review video games/hardware/etc and say what's good/bad about them. You can learn a lot about a game before you waste your money on it. The show suffers from the same problem as every other show on this fucking channel: [u]Douchebag hosts[/u]. One of the guys isn't too bad, and he seems to know his shit. I think he might be Canadian, though, so you can't trust him. The other dude needs to swallow a gun barrel. He tries to be "funny" but ends up just being a loud, annoying jackass.

[b]Pulse/G4TV.Com [/b]
These two are getting grouped together because they both have chicks hosting that I really wanna bang. [b]Pulse[/b] is a news show that has tolerable hosts. The guy is kind of a tool, but in harmless way. Ronilyn Riley has huge tits and I want to bang her, so she saves the show from totally sucking.
The two chicks on [b]G4TV.Com[/b] save their show, too. That flaming male host needs to shut the fuck up, so I can see more of Laura and Tina. Those chicks need to hurry up and fuck each other. I think Laura swings both ways, which is why's she hot. Oh, the concept of the show is fucking stupid (they read message boards), so watch the show on mute.

And now for the two worst shows on the channel. You've been warned.

[b]Arena [/b]
This show is fucking assinine. Who the fuck wants to watch two teams of smelly gamers play against each other. Even worse are the mismatched "hosts" giving sexual innuendo-filled "commentary." I'm not talking shit about the one host, cuz he's fucking huge and could beat my ass. The other guy can eat a dick, though. I think he's related to that jackass that hosts [b]Cheat[/b]: They both have "little brother" syndrome. There's some girl who talks to the players between rounds, and you can see the players undressing her with their eyes. [i]I'm sure she's gonna bang you because you kick ass at Halo, dude[/i]. Honestly, just because you can make a living by playing Unreal doesn't mean I want to fucking watch it. What's next? The Board Game Network where I can watch a rousing 4-hour game of Monopoly? Fuck this show.

[b]Game On![/b]
I still don't understand the concept of this show, but it's obviously a haven for failed comics. The two hosts are about as funny as an abortion, yet someone gave them their own show. If there was ever reason for a double-homocide, it's these guys.

The only show on this ridiculous channel that I watch fervently?

[b]Starcade[/b]
This show is soooo fucking bad, it's great. It's some early 1980's game show where socially inept kids compete against each other on shitty arcade games. The hosts are visibly angry that they have to host THIS show instead of "Family Fued" or some shit. The prizes are incredibly shitty (looking back from now), and the "competitions" are ridiculous. "Score 200 points on Pac-Man in one minute." THAT'S hard...

There's a bunch of other shows without hosts which are actually watchable. My advice about watching this channel? If you see a live host on the show, turn the channel before you get even more retarded than you probably already are.

Why do I keep watching? No matter how annoying these shows are, it's still not as bad as MTV...

Issue #367, The First Appearance of Fanboy

01.27.04 (9:34 pm) [edit]

I read comics and enjoy them, but there's something inherently disturbing about comic shops that practically guarantees that I'm always considered a fucking geek.

Most of you would probably consider me a geek (or prick, or asshole, whatever) regardless, but this stereotyping is getting out of hand. The comic community only helps to perpetuate the common belief that all fans are "Comic Shop Guy" from The Simpsons (and a majority are).

This is a common stereotype that barely gets any media coverage, and sure as hell isn't assisted by the ACLU. Racial stereotypes and sexist stereotypes are battled every day in helps of improving relations amongst the general population. Still I'm persecuted simply by walking out of my local comic shop with a bag full of books. You may not say anything, but it's there. You're all thinking it... That guy's a fucking geek. He probably doesn't get laid.

Well, fuck you. It's bullshit that I'm labeled "socially inept" because I enjoy "funnybooks." Are all Irish people drunks? No, just a vast majority. Do all black people steal and eat chicken? Nope. Are all gay people out to convert you? Not from what I've seen. So why am I a geek? Because fucking idiots continually keep this image alive.

Walk into any comic shop in America and you're bombarded by the geekiest of geeks - The Fanboy. These dudes (and they're all dudes, that's true) are the straight-up image of the socially inept. Most are unwashed, or generally reek of fucking BO. They generally have no lives outside of comics and its surrounding community (Lord Of The Rings, Role-Playing Games, Masturbating In Chat Rooms), and they hang out all the fucking time at comic shops to be around their own. Sadly, many of them will never get laid, and it's all due the image they put forth.

True story: I was in my comic shop once and actually heard this conversation:

[b]Fanboy 1:[/b] [i]Yeah, so we're gonna play Heroclix tonight, and I've actually got a GIRL coming to play with us! [/i]

[b]Group of Fanboys:[/b] [i]What? A girl? Holy shit! Is she hot?[/i]

[b]Fanboy 1[/b]: [i]Oh yeah. She's kinda arty, but she's totally hot. I met her at my other job at Sam Goody's. [/i]

[b]Group of Fanboys[/b]: [i]Awesome! Dude, you're so fucking in. [/i]

[b]Fanboy 1:[/b] [i]Hell yeah. [/i]

Yeah. That conversation is going on somewhere in some comic shop RIGHT NOW. The mere mention of females in a comic shop usually has the same effect: many crowd around you like you're a fucking god, and the others hide sheepishly and blush. Upon hearing this conversation, I laughed, and then proceeded to feel somewhat bad for this unlucky group. Then I went to the bar and got over it.

Now, am I an elitist? Am I calling myself "better" than these guys? You're goddamn right. I'm living proof that one can enjoy comics as the visual medium they are and still maintain a social life outside of the community. My girlfriend doesn't read or understand comics, and I don't try to explain it to her. I still get sex and our relationship maintains.

Fanboys of the world, I offer some help:

[b]1. Stop Crowding Comic Shops [/b]
The mere smell alone of you is dismaying. The fact that a majority of comic shops are small, non-ventilated hole doesn't help this fact.

[b]2. Keep Your Theories To Yourself[/b]
Realize the fact that not everyone wants to hear your theory on why Spider-Man is better than Batman. Not everyone has your vast knowledge on the X-Men series. Save that shit for online banter that I can easily ignore.

[b]3. Chicks Are Afraid Of You [/b]
Try some common sense, stinky: Girls don't want to play Magic: The Gathering with you, nor do they want to see your collection. Stop jerking your shit to cartoon images and try real porn.

[b]4. If You Dress Up As A Charcter, Don't Procreate[/b]
If you happen to knock up the slow girl who dressed like a Jedi, please raise the kid in the "real world." Or take is behind the shed, "Old Yeller"-style. The last thing we need is another generation of imbeciles who base their social standing on how many episodes of Babylon 5 they've seen.

Oh yeah, the next fucker who quotes Monty Python like I've never heard it before is getting punched in the fucking kidneys. I hate people who act British anyways; I don't need your shitty impersonations of Michael Palin.

The True Story... Of Seven Douchbags... Picked To Live In A House...

01.27.04 (9:32 pm) [edit]

Let me preface this rant by stating that I know the "MTV doesn't play enough videos" topic is fucking overstated. I also know that people much smarter than I have covered "The Real World" much better than I ever could (Chuck Klosterman's new book "Sex, Drugs, And Cocoa Puffs" is incredible). But since I've seen every fucking episode of every fucking season, I feel justified in speaking my peace. Especially given the slew of new shit MTV is pouring down our throats (Dave Navarro & Carmen Electra, more Nick & Jessica, MORE Osbournes)

Seeing as how somewhere on the planet, at any time, there's some form of Real World on MTV (or basic cable, where it's now syndicated), so everyone's experienced this show. Some people connect with the cardboard cut-outs that star in this vapid piece of shit. Honestly, after all these seasons, I've only connected with two people: Dominic from LA (the drunk Irish dude) and Ruthie from Hawaii (she drank and banged chicks, so I relate).

The fact is, MTV actually has to cast this show from THOUSANDS of tapes sent in by intelligence-deprived people DYING to be on the show. They're literally awash in a sea of shit of their own invention. Yet, I still watch the show sometimes, and the new season takes the cake. They've somehow managed to find seven depraved idiots that make the Las Vegas season look like a chess match. Still, I'm not going to dissect the show but simply offer my advice for future castmates:

[b]1. If You Have A Significant Other, Break Up With Them Before The Show Starts [/b]
This point is made crystal clear by the new jackoff meathead on the new season. This putz has the balls to rave about how much he loves his girlfriend of 4 years, right before he flirts with every female housemate. He even has the balls to drunkenly call this girlfriend to confirm the size of his penis to a female castmate. Good move, ass. When he makes the smart move to "take a break," she counters by breaking up. Now he's free to make an ass out of himself without hurting her. A much better move than the new chick who tries to make out with that dude, only to puke all over herself and conveniently "forget" what she did. She's gonna "make her relationship work."

Yeah, and I'm gonna be nationally published for writing this shit.

I'm not saying that long-distance relationship don't work. I'm living proof that they do (believe it or not). You just can't make it work when you're whoring yourself on a televised show. I'm sure their significant others get cable, and they probably WON'T be laughing when this shit airs. Now, before people start naming couples who are still together, stop. I don't fucking care. The only couples that acutally work are when castmates date other castmates. They've both lived in a fishbowl and fucked up their lives enough that only other fucked up castmates can understand them. Kind of like when homeless people or drug addicts hook up. It's sweet, in a "watching a car crash" kind of way.

[i]BTW - That chick who's gonna "make it work" also has cystic fibrosis and still smokes "on occasion"... Bet her mom drank "on occasion" while she was pregnant.[/i] Moron.

[b]2. You Are Your Character FOREVER [/b]
If you're a bitch, dick, or just a fucking idiot (like that wannabe-wrestler Mike), that's who you are when the show ends. You're constantly bombarded with insults and questions about your season. Even when you're working the fry-a-lator at McDonalds. You signed a release form, fuck-o... Time to pay the fiddler.

[b]3. You're Always Known As A Cast Member [/b]
Try putting THAT on a resume. I bet the Human Relations person at a major corporation is looking for THAT accomplishment. Your only hope is to try and "make it" as an actor/personality. By "making it," I mean co-hosting a retarded show on G4TV (good job, Mormon chick!) If that doesn't pan out, you always have the endless "Challenge" shows MTV airs. You get to compete with other hopeless losers for money and prizes. It's like Social Security for idiots.

I don't know much about the inner workings of the show, but it seems like the cast members get a lot of bank while they're in the house. They run up huge bar tabs and wear free clothes from MTV sponsors. Here's my tip:

[b]Take The Money And Run, Fuckers! [/b]
If I was getting paid to ruin my liver, I wouldn't have time to develop a character and get in hissy-fits with other cast members. I'd be too drunk/hungover to give a shit. It's not like you actually have to work (and those "jobs" they're given sure are hard). Since your life is over once shooting wraps, I suggest making the show into your personal video diary. Get some hookers and blow and slowly descend into drug addiction. Or else you'll end up like that black dude who slapped that other chick (awesome clip, MTV). He was busted for gay prostitution once the show ended. Hey Steven... we ALL knew, dude. We ALL knew...

Now for the new shit MTV's airing. Who honestly cares about Navarro & Electra? Is she gonna help him shoot up? The commercials alone for that show creep me out enough to stay the fuck away. As for the new "Newlyweds" season, I'd rather tear my toenails off with a dull knife. I will say this, though: Nick deserves a Nobel Prize for putting up with that stupid bitch. I feel KINDA bad for him. He only married her to finally get some ass, and now he's stuck listening to her mindless drivel forever (or until the show stops and the divorce papers go through). You should've strapped some tits on a cardboard box, bro. Probably would've gotten more enlightening conversation. Watching that show makes me appreciate my girlfriend even more than I already do.

As for "The Osbournes," didn't this show jump the shark about two season ago? It's not like I don't see their stupid asses on every other channel now, and since Jack kicked his drug addiction (Oxycontin and weed... ooooooh) it's gonna be even more retarded. And doesn't it seem mean-spirited and cruelly ironic to show Ozzy bumbling around now that he can't even talk/walk? It's like showing Christopher Reeves his old "Superman" movies.

Finally, why the fuck do I have to pay for M2 when I should be getting videos on MTV? I'd only watch "Headbanger's Ball," especially due to the mouthbreathers M2 calls "on-air talent." Didn't MTV learn their lesson with Jesse Camp? The only hot chick they had migrated to VH1, and now she's stuck showing Barenaked Ladies clips. Smart move, bitch.

All Of The Hits, On TWO CDs? FUCK YEAH!

01.27.04 (9:29 pm) [edit]

[i]First off, I've found the master of all angry websites, and he makes me look like a fucking pussy. This site was not intended as a ripoff, and I'm now paying homage to the master. Almost makes me want to quit, but I've got too much hate to stop now... For unadulterated hate from the master, check out: [/i]

[url=http://maddox.xmission.com]MADDOX[/url]

Now for the real rant. I was up till about 3am last night, bored as usual, when one of those commercials for "Ultimate Party" or "Ultimate Dance" or "Ultimate Gangbang" came on. You know those commercials, the ones that blare music that sounds akin to a hyena sodomizing a banshee to a techno beat? Yeah. That shit.

Which leads to wonder who the fuck actually orders this shit. I mean, if you listen to dance music, you're a lost cause already. Take a couple more Ecstacy tablets (like, 50) the next time you go clubbing so I can have all your stuff when you OD. But, who actually buys this shit? Who is sitting at home in Buttfuck, Nebraska with access to a mall or a fucking Wal-Mart to buy this shit cheaper than $40 (plus shipping and handling)?

"Fuck, I really love me some dance music... OOH! It's got that one song I love... and that other song that sounds like the first song... HOLY SHIT! It's got that one song from that shitty Saturday Night Live sketch that they made into a shitty fucking movie! FUCK! Where's my credit card?"

Even worse are those goddamn greatist hits CD commercials. I'm not dogging Greatest Hits CDs... some bands need a compilation because all the rest of their albums are fucking shitty filler. But who's gonna order that shit FROM A COMMERCIAL? Seriously! Get off your fucking asses and go to a store. Or better yet, burn your own greatest hits and save money (and shitty hits).

Take that new Eagles double-CD. I know... Fuck the Eagles, but they have their place. Like, when you're hanging out with your dad working on the car, or partying with old dudes who can score you meth and clean hookers, you HAVE to listen to shitty classic rock. But what fucking burnout is sitting on his couch and actually gets PSYCHED by that commercial?

"Goddamn, this is some good meth... HOLY FUCK! The fucking EAGLES! ALL OF THE HITS? ON TWO FUCKING CDs? Look, Earl! They have "Life In The Fast Lane" AND "Hotel California"... on the SAME CD! Gimme the phone. It's only $30, and you get a free DVD of that new song they got out that sucks donkey taint! FUCK! I know how much meth $30 would get me, but it's the FUCKING EAGLES, dude! I know I pawned the DVD player for drug money... Just give me the fucking phone, dude!"

The moral of this rant? If you ever get the urge to buy something from a commercial, don't just change the channel... go ahead and shoot yourself in the fucking face. I need more breathing air, and you're wasting it... selfish bastards.

SOMEONE'S Getting Kicked In The Face

01.27.04 (9:27 pm) [edit]

The entire concept of unemployment kicks ass. You get to sit around and do all the things you've always put off or wanted to do. You can sleep until the crack of 5pm, drink a lot, and generally not bathe. It's pretty glorious, in theory.

But, of course, communism seemed to rock in theory. Look how well THAT shit worked...

So, here I sit, a month into my unemployment. I'm typing into a fucking blog drinking Wal-Mart "Mountain Lightning" and generally feeling sorry for myself. Fear not, though, because I generally don't dwell on that shit for long. I don't get depressed enough to write bad poetry about "the all encompassing darkness" or such shit. I'm leaving that for the rest of the bloggers on this site.

[i]Not to knock them, cuz I barely know them. But, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST is some of that shit depressing. If all you write is bad goth poetry about not fitting in and how miserable your life is, then you need to step outside and visit the real world. Even if I DIDN'T have alcohol, I'd still never be that depressed. To each his own, though. If that's your game, work it. [/i]

Anyway, I've had enough time to accomplish many goals, thanks to my unemployment. I've completed a shitload of crossword puzzles; I'll fucking OWN your ass at Mario Kart 64; and I've found the cheapest brews that still get the job done. All in all, a pretty prolific month, if you ask me. I've also had plenty of time to neglect many of my other goals: I worked out for two days about two weeks ago; the Juice-Tiger I used frequently now cries throughout the night due to lack of interest from me; and I still eat after 7pm (and 11pm, and 3am if I'm drunk). That's why unemployment rocks. You can do whatever the fuck you want, until...

[b]The Money Runs Out... [/b]

That's when this awesome concept turns ubelievably shitty. You're trapped doing nothing but apply for jobs constantly, even the shitty ones you know you're WAAAY overqualified for. This is where the rage starts building, and someone has to pay.

Hey, fuckers in Human Relations! Yeah, you... I sent you my fucking resume and cover letter and birth certificate and nude pictures or whatever shit you asked for. Where the hell is my follow-up call? I took the time out of my busy Mario Kart 64 schedule to send you that shit (some of it on that expensive resume paper made from baby skin or whatever), and you haven't even justified me with a phone call. If you're not hiring, stop advertising. If you're not hiring ME, it's a simple process...

[b]MY FUCKING PHONE NUMBER IS ON THE GODDAMN RESUME.. CALL IT AND LET ME MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE! [/b]

That's the worst feeling... the waiting. You apply for 800 jobs and no one calls. When you finally DO get a job, the job you really wanted calls. After a company has accepted you into their fold, that OTHER company suddenly wants you. This whole shit is similar to many girls I've known throughout the years.

You start dating a chick after a long-ass drought. She's fucking cool, and you're happy. Then you go out and run into all those girls that turned you down, laughed at you, and/or filed restraining orders against you. SUDDENLY, you're hot shit to them. What do you do? Dump the girl who gave you the chance, only to try and get one of these girls you might ultimately be unhappy with? Stay with the loyal girl and wonder what would've happened? It's a Catch-22, ultimately.
[i]Not that I go through that shit anymore, mind you... I'm happily involved with a lovely girl and never worry about that trivial shit anymore.. and yes, she does read this site... [/i]

See the comparisons? Fuck the corporate world and their lazy bullshit. Why the fuck do I have to call these companies back after I've already sent in a resume and all that? Why is it MY responsibility to bug the shit out this company so they hire me?

"Determination is a good quality," you might say.
"Perserverance pays off in the end," you state
"The company probably receives a LOT of resumes," you note.

Well, for you proverb/quote-spouting fucks, you know where you can shove it. For the last idiot, you're actually right (but I still hate you). Still, it's someone's goddamn JOB to handle resumes. The least they can do is call up and go, "Sorry, dude. You're not right for the job." SOME sort of closure.

And the best part to this whole fucking situation is the fact that I have a college degree. Most of you probably do, but I'm not seeing any jobs from it. It's supposed to be a sign of intelligence and all that shit. The simple fact that I put up with college for 5 years should get me a job. Well, kids, here's the ultimate lesson for college:

You Probably Won't End Up Getting A Job In What You Majored In College

Yeah, THAT fucking sucks, eh? I focused on video production and now I'm practically kissing ass for data-entry jobs. College degrees (or at least Bachelor Degrees) are about as worthless as high school diplomas these days. Thanks a lot, college. You've taught me so much, you money-sucking piece of shit.

Oh, and if any Human Relations people read this (I don't know why they would) and still want to hire me, you've got the number.

The Electric Company Can Eat Me

01.27.04 (9:26 pm) [edit]

Whoever came up with mixing malt and barley and all that good shit and creating alcohol needs a prize. We keep giving the Nobel Peace Prize to scientists and humanitarians, while the beermakers of this world are constantly snubbed. I personally find that not only rude, but tactless. Get your heads out of your asses, Nobel Committee.

The only thing that sucks about consuming as much alcohol as I do is the aftermath. I'm not talking about the bodies strewn about the floor (which I know NOTHING about, honestly), but the raging headache I'm suffering right now. I don't know WHY my taste buds like chasing hard liquor with light beer, but they do. Far be it for me to keep my taste buds from being happy. So, I consumed massive amounts of Jagermeister (the nectar of the gods) chased with Miller Lite.

[i]Now, before people starting bitching and griping about why I'm drinking ass beer, shut the fuck up. I don't have a job, it was free, and it's beer. It fucks you up all the same and helps you piss. I don't do "microbrews" or any of that fruity shit. Anyone who mixes fruit and beer needs punched in the fucking face. I'm not drinking to meet the RDA of Vitamin C or B or whatever... I'm drinking to dull the pain of the outside world (and make an ass out of myself). [/i]

So, now I'm left with this headache that won't quit. It's the kind of headache you get from listening to Anna Nicole Smith argue with Fran Drescher and that chubby (but still sexy) chick from Will & Grace. Are you getting the picture? Maybe I shouldn't have started drinking at 3pm yesterday. Who gives a shit. I had a good reason.

For some goddamn reason, the power went out for about an hour and a half yesterday afternoon. I waited a reasonable amount of time (10 minutes) before I realized how utterly useless I am without electricity. So, I called the electric company that we go through, Nationwide Energy Partners (NEP, if you're fucking lazy) and sat through three messages before I talked to a fucking human being. She proceeded to tell me that a power line was knocked down and they had to wait for American Electric Power (AEP, fuck-os) to fix the line before we can get power...

Let that sink in for a bit. Maybe I'm missing some very valid point, but shouldn't the people I'm paying to give me electricity be in charge of THEIR [b]OWN FUCKING LINES[/b]? Why the hell does a company I'm not paying for (AEP) have to fix the line before I get power from the one I DO pay for (NEP)? Who the fuck put these people in charge? And what does this say about my power company (NEP), when all they do is send us electricity that I can get from the main source (AEP)? Why am I paying a middleman to shoot me power? Why is NEP so fucking worthless? This intrigues me, so I decided to get drunk and come up with a plan.

8 hours and several drinks later, I couldn't remember why I was mad. Something about electricity pissing me off, I thought. So I kicked the TV and hit my radio for acting up. Uppity electronics. Gotta keep em in their place.

What's the message of this rant, kids?
[b]1. Fuck My Useless Power Company
2. Fuck Uppity Electronics
3. Alcohol Keeps Me From Killing You All [/b]

Now shut up and leave me alone.

What To Expect From Me...

01.27.04 (9:23 pm) [edit]

Alright, I've moved weblog servers because my other one had no fucking search or link features. This pissed me off for two reasons. First, unless you had my exact link written down, you wouldn't find the damn page. Second, only people I know would be reading the fucker, which isn't why I'm writing in the first place. I save that shit for emails.

So, now I'm on this electricdiary weblog service, and it seems to be working better. You can find me using my username, or even by the name of my diary. Speaking of which, I wish there was an option to not call it a fucking diary. I'm not gonna type about my crushes or the fact that I felt fat the other day. I'll just cry into my Strawberry Shortcake pillow like I do every other night. Diary... bah... I'm not an overweight high-school girl with misguided dreams of becoming the next Jewel or some bad poet. I am overweight, but that's beside the point. Fuck off.

Anyway, what to expect from this diary (fuck, I need a better name for what this is... if anyone thinks of a good one, leave a comment). If you came to this blog (ha, there we go!) looking for a deeply personal experience, where your soul and mine will meet, high-five, and connect... um... fuck off. Not gonna happen here, bro. There is good news, though. There's about 1,000 other people on this site that are doing exactly that. You want self-pitying, depressed, hopeless drivel served with a side of whiny goth? Not on this site, bro. Look for a username like cryingdespair203 or some such shit. Those people will have you covered.

That's not to say this site won't be personal. Hopefully, there WILL be some connection with my writings. I'm gonna try and make them universal and understandable, so you can pick up some neat-o vocabulary words on the way. Oh, and in case you haven't already realized these two facts:

[i]Pretty much everything pisses me off[/i]
and
[i]These are my opinions, which mean they're always right[/i]

The sooner you learn that, the easier all of this rambling will go down. I've also discovered that large quantities of alcohol help, as well (both in writing this AND reading this).

Back to the main point. Stupid people piss me off, as do the little drudgeries of modern life. Anything that riles me up will probably be covered here. But, as stated earlier, I'm not gonna pick and piss about every little fucking upset my life faces. None of those stupid, bad-comedian musings: "What's the deal with traffic? I mean, c'mon!"

If you like writing in the (horrible mimicked) vein of Hunter S. Thompson, Warren Ellis, or that one dude you went to high school with who always had something funny to say, but never got laid... this is your new home.

Welcome in, now shut the fucking door.

I Probably Already Hate You...

01.27.04 (9:22 pm) [edit]

Sure, I may act friendly and all that, but deep inside I actually despise 99% of the population. I'm not picky when it come to my spite, either. Race, creed, and color really have no bearing on my hate. I like to think of myself as an Equal-Opportunity Hater (EOH). Given a chance, I will hate you within 10 seconds of meeting you.

There... that's the warning. If you're looking for a blog that will uplift you and make you feel warm and tingly inside, get the fuck out. This is gonna be my place to rant and rave, curse and spit, and generally exorcise all the anger and hate that builds up in me on a daily basis. Not that I'd do anything rash or violent anyway. In one of the oddest turns to this story, I'm also a big pussy. I don't fight and will usually talk my way out of any situation before it turns to fisticuffs.

But that doesn't mean I'm not secretly plotting against you. Know that, America. Know that, and fear me. Or don't, that's cool. If you're gonna read this and enjoy it to the fullest, there's a couple of frequent statements I need to address:

[b]"This type of rant/blog has been overdone before..." [/b]
It's being done by better and more qualified angry people than me. Still, if you're reading this for one reason or another so you know what you can do with your complaints (it involves your ass). As stated above, I'm doing this to clear my body of unresolved spite issues so I don't spontaneously combust or vomit uncontrollably.

[b]"You're probably not this angry in real-life!" [/b]
Ya know, you're right. I'm pretty much a happy-go-lucky guy who just bad luck. Not the kind of bad luck where I only find tails-up pennies, or always see black cats or any of that stupid shit. The kind of horrible, soul-sucking, mood-altering, migraine-causing luck where I constantly run into and am forced to converse with genuinely stupid people. CONSTANTLY. So, whatever happiness I have when I wake up is shortly destroyed by going into public places.

[b]"You're overreacting. You just want attention for your superiority complex!" [/b]
First off, fuck you for judging me. You're probably right, though. I'd rather be accused of overreacting than not react at all and accept stupidity. As for my superiority complex, it's not a complex. I am superior to all of you, and you should just accept it (except for that one dude in the hat-thing with the beard... he's pretty badass). Seriously, I don't consider myself THAT much smarter than most people. If you're still reading, you've actually gained some esteem in my eye. You got past the big words and are still on this train. Good for you. High five.

All of that being said, I really do hope some people find this shit amusing. I'm writing just to write, flex my creative muscles (the only muscles on my body with any tone or form), and hopefully connect a nation of angry people with one another. In the end, though, I'm only out to amuse and impress myself (and possibly employers who like a guy who is fluent in the f-word).

Complaints and feedback is welcome, but will probably be ignored.