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How To Beat A Hangover
02.26.04 (8:53 pm)   [edit]
Fuck [b]Chaser[/b].

For those of you who don't know what [b]Chaser[/b] is, it's some new miracle pill that somehow prevents hangovers. You have to take the pill after 3 drinks, which leads to drug abuse in my case, but somehow it prevents the painful hangover in the morning. If you haven't seen the commercial, it's classic. Be sure to check it out, and watch in awe as the hungover guy holds himself back from slapping the living shit out of the chipper, non-hungover woman. I laugh every time.

Still, I've found a cheaper remedy to hangovers AND drunkiness. It's called [b]"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno."[/b]

Sweet Jesus, this show is fucking horrible. I've had a few drinks tonight, and thanks to Leno's monologue I'm now fucking sober. Thanks a lot, assclown.

Now, there's always been the "Dave vs. Jay" debate for as long as they've been on separate networks. I've always sided with Dave, since he had the kick-ass Top Ten list and generally put on a better show. Since my college years, though, I've found myself more drawn towards [b]"The Daily Show"[/b] and [b]"Late Night With Conan O'Brien."[/b] They target my demographic, and they appeal to my twisted sense of humor.

It's been years since I've actually watched either Jay or Dave, but I had the misfortune of catching Leno tonight. I think even HE realizes how fucking horrible his jokes are. He appeals to the lowest common level, and even THOSE people think he sucks. I don't know what happened, but this guy could not possibly get worse. His monologues suck, his skits are worthless, and his interviews are C-grade at best.

Don't think Letterman has gotten off easy. Even though he survived a quadruple-bypass surgery back in the day, Letterman has slacked a bit since I used to watch him. Maybe almost dying makes you ease up on your edge, but Letterman seems a lot tamer than he used to be. He beats gags into the ground and for some reason still has Paul Shaffer as his cohost.

Given a fight, though, my money's still on Letterman.

I advise anyone who finds Leno entertaining to avoid my presence, for fear of reprisal. This guy is hideously untalented and needs to be removed forcefully from the air. He's made enough money and bought enough cars for his lifetime. Time to be put out to pasture.

If not that, then I've got the shotgun and just need to borrow a barn. (Old Yeller-style, beeyotch!)

So, to conclude: Fuck buying pills to prevent hangovers. Simply watch the [b]"Tonight Show"[/b] and sober up before bed. You'll save money, yet lose brain cells... still, sacrifices must be made.
 
The Rash Is Gone, But Now I'm Blind!
02.17.04 (4:40 pm)   [edit]
Television commercials are beginning to scare the shit out of me. Before, they used to be annoyances between my favorite shows. Now they've become little shows in their own right. That's not necessarily a good thing.

Whoever decided that advertising prescription drugs on television should be forced to take those drugs. If you've got a disease or health problem, I'm sure your doctor will tell you about what drugs you should take. What fucking idiot is watching TV at night and saying "I need to suppress my herpes AGAIN? I really wish there was a product that could help me do that." If you've got herpes, I'm pretty goddamn sure that you're taking stuff to suppress it already. I don't need to hear about what side effects you may feel whenever your cold sores aren't in check.

That's the main problem I have with these commercials. The side effects of the pills themselves cause more problems than the one problem they're supposed to help. If your cholesterol is too high, would you really like to lower it and get spastic diarrhea instead? At point do you decide which pain you'd rather live with for the rest of your life? Is bleeding from the anus more appealing than losing your hair?

The commercial for [b]Zoloft[/b] is by far the best example of how disturbing these pills are. Zoloft is for people with social anxiety disorder or SAD. That's fucking funny. Even your "disease" makes fun of you with its anagram. I know that SAD can really fuck someone's life up, but it's still funny. So, if you can't go out and enjoy life and shit without worrying all the time, you go to your doctor and get some [b]Zoloft[/b]. This "miracle pill" somehow allows you to live the miserable life the rest of the world gets to suffer through. Congratulations, fuckface. Get in line behind the slow kid.

The problem with [b]Zoloft[/b] is that while it may treat SAD and let you go outside, the side effects incapacitate you more than the "disease" itself. The side effects take up most of the commercial time. The way they phrase the problems is absolutely hysterical. "A small percentage of test subjects felt feverish" and whatnot. It's a slim chance, but who wants to POSSIBLY have the following symptoms? (from zoloft.com)

[b]Dry Mouth[/b] (not too disturbing)
[b]Upset Stomach[/b] (understandable)
[b]Decreased Appetite[/b] (i'm down for that!)
[b]Feeling Unusually Tired or Sleepy[/b] (ummm..)
[b]Trouble Sleeping[/b] (getting pretty iffy here)
[b]Sexual Problems[/b] (fuck that)
[b]Diarrhea/Loose Stools[/b] (ewwww)
[b]Tremors[/b] (that movie kicked ass)
[b]Feeling Agitated[/b] (shouldn't i STOP being agitated?)
[b]Indigestion[/b] (doesn't matter if i'm not eating)
[b]Increased Sweating[/b] (stinky)

So, it all boils down to picking your own poison. Yeah, you're no longer socially anxious or whatever, but now you're constantly shitting yourself and sweating like Chris Farley with a suitcase of cocaine. You're constantly shaking, can't sleep or eat, and your dick doesn't work. The good news is, you can go outside now!

If you're willing to take the side effects of this disturbing medication simply to feel "normal", you've got more problems than SAD.

The other commercial that irks me is the one for male enhancement. When did it become proper to talk about limp dicks while I'm trying to watch MXC? I don't give a shit about your dysfunctional wang. The commercials for this piece of shit try to seem funny, but the smiling guy just creeps me the fuck out.

We've become so fucking medicated in this country that we have to take pills to counteract the side effects of pills we're already taking. Save yourself the money on prescription drugs and buy heroin. No pain there.
 
Destroy This Man's Life
02.11.04 (8:22 pm)   [edit]
I really can't explain why I force myself to watch every shitty reality show that's on TV. I also know that I'm one of the millions who haplessly keep this swill on the air. For some reason, I'm drawn to the idiocy of shitty television.

I've become hooked to the new Real World, for two reasons. First, they drink like it's their job, which I can appreciate and applaud. If I was getting paid to drink and make an ass out of myself, I would have been a millionaire by now. The other reason I watch this show is because I think MTV has finally reached the bottom of the barrel. These fuckers have no common sense and find themselves in predicaments I've only read about. The one bitch with the big tits always starts some sort of drama, and the haggard redhead won't stop crying about her boyfriend. Entertainment at it's finest.

I've finally reached the end of my rope, though. I've seen "Todd TV" on FX and I've found my mission.

America, We Must Destroy This Assclown's Life

For those of you who haven't seen this shit, Todd TV is the show where America tells this personality-stripped retard what to do with his life. He's decided that he's such a fucking loser that he'll let strangers dictate his life.

Here's where I reach my paradigm. Not only is this the most ridiculous concept for a show EVER, it's also sublime in its stupidity.

Using cell phones and the internet, people can vote on what this dickhead has to do with his life. The show always give one decent option, and one awkward option. For the past several weeks, America has been pretty lenient with this fucker. I really don't think enough people watch/vote to really matter (kind of like the Presidential election), but it has become my one-man crusade to ruin this dude's life.

Why would I try and destroy another human being? First, because I can. You can, too. That's why this show is genius. He HAS to do whatever the winning vote says. Second, he was stupid enough to put himself on national TV. I guess Road Rules had enough dumbasses for the next season.

If you're on national TV, and I can vote, you're at my mercy. It's as simple as that.

The main reason I'm pissed is that this dude gets money and all that shit, all for the wrong reasons. My life hasn't turned out like I had planned... where the fuck is MY $5000 a week? I'm sure is these reality shows gave the money back to the public that sat through them, the world would be a slightly better place.

So, here's my point. Watch the next episode of Todd TV, or simply go to [i]fxnetworks.com [/i]and find the Todd TV link. Vote for the worst option possible. I want this fucker to suffer. You can also put your ideas on the message board and they may be used on the show. For bonus points, I want you to list something extremely uncomfortable or embarassing. Something simple, like getting hit by a bus or getting ass-reamed by a prison guard. Nothing too difficult.

This smug bastard's getting money for being a loser. Let's make him earn it.
 
Only 3 Payments Of $39.99!
02.03.04 (8:36 am)   [edit]
I'm a complete and utter sucker for infomercials. I can't explain my morbid fixation on shitty products that can only be offered between the hours of 2-5am. Yet, when I get home after another successful night of drinking, I ALWAYS find myself enamored with another ridiculous commercial.

First off, I've never actually ORDERED any of the shit I watch. I'm not THAT goddamn brain-dead. I've been REALLY close a couple times, but then realized how stupid having a [b]Flowbee[/b] would be after the initial fun.

Infomercials are a universal thing these days. They've become almost as well-known as prime-time sitcoms. So, in honor of all of my wasted hours in front of the TV, I present my Top Five Favorite Cheesy-Ass Infomercials.

[i]Note: This isn't to say that the products sold on each commercial are valuable or worthwhile - I'm simply commenting on the structure and content of the infomercial itself. That way, you fucks can't blame me if your Foreman Grill accidentally kills your kid or something...[/i]

[b]5. Any Steam-Cleaner Infomercial[/b]
I particularly love the one with the fat dude in glasses. I've seen him hawk other products before, but not with the undying love and devotion he plugs this steam cleaner with. The guy is a pretty creepy dude who visibly hits on the hostess throughout the commercial, as if carrying a steam cleaner around and removing puke from a toilet is gonna get him some ass. The entire concept of a steam cleaner seems novel, but in the end it's just not worth it. Until that fat dude gets some ass for cleaning his house, I refuse to buy this product.
The other steam cleaner commercial I've seen is hosted by some fat lady who claims to have invented steam cleaning or something. Bitch, if you invented steam cleaning, why the fuck are you selling shit at 3am on Comedy Central? Shouldn't you be rolling around in your money or pissing on poor people?

[b]4. The Majesty of Ron Popeil[/b]
Ron Popeil is a fucking [u]GOD[/u] amongst infomercial hosts. This dude has been selling worthless shit so fucking long, he's deluded himself into semi-celebrity status. My personal favorite Popeil product is the [b]Showtime Rotisserie[/b] (I know I probably spelled it wrong, so fuck off). He runs around like a chicken with its head cut off, cooking the shit out of anything he can get his hands on. Ron's got the most disgusting pair of fish lips I've ever seen, and he spray-paints his hair. Seriously. He's such a salesman, he even pimps his shitty "Hair In A Bottle" during the Rotisserie commercial! [i]If you're SPRAYPAINTING your fucking head... save the money and buy a gun. You really don't deserve to live.[/i] The best part about the Rotisserie is how much food you can cook. Living with just one roommate, lord knows how many times I've wanted to eat 7 pork chops or an entire quail. If only I had the Rotisserie, I could choke more food down my fat face. Thanks for keeping America fat, Ron!

[b]3. Small, Classified Ads[/b]
I can't remember the name of the dude who runs this commercial, but I want to break his face. He's one of the smarmiest, most self-centered fucks on TV (that's including everyone on NBC). His concept is simple: You pay money for ads in newspapers to sell HIS product to people. You get some sort of commission for every product sold, and you don't have to do anything else. If this shit really worked, wouldn't all of America be rich? The main reason this doesn't work? No one likes the fucker hosting the show. I think his name's Tony Rich or some shit, but I'm gonna call him Assclown. One version of Assclown's ad has him being "interviewed" by Cindy Margolis, "The Most Downloaded Woman on The Internet." [i]Hey Cindy, congratulations. You're a fucking whore. The fact that billions of dudes have jerked their shit to your softcore pics isn't gonna make me give money to Assclown.[/i] Yet again, the best part is Assclown's "earnestness" and "sincerity" that he wants you to make money. Eat a dick, Assclown.

[b]2. Make My Dick Work Again![/b]
These two are pretty much bottom of the barrel, but I watch them for humor-sake. [b]Extenz[/b] and [b]Longitude[/b] are male enhancement pills that guarantee a bigger dick. The one show is hosted by Ron Jeremy to add some credence to the big-dick theory. The other one is hosted by a jackass and a whore, so I hardly watch it. Both of these shows are shot in the "talk-show" style, to make it seem like it's not really an infomercial. The Ron Jeremy show is horribly written and acted, including some of the worst "audience questions" I've ever seen. The "inventor" is one of the creepiest pedophiles ever broadcast on TV. If your dick is so small that you need pills to please a woman, you should probably kill yourself. If your girlfriend complains about your size, you should stop dating a whore and find a real woman. Now, send me the $99 you would've spent on these pills!

[b]1. Knives and Juicers[/b]
These two infomercials are my absolute favorites. Anytime one of them comes on, I'm stuck watching the entire thing. I can't change the channel, take a piss, or even close my eyes. These commercials are so horribly bad that they transcend their crappiness and become good.
[b]Jack Marshall[/b] is this old fucker who's strong as hell. He's 80-something and pulls trucks with his teeth. The reason he's still alive and kicking ass? He juices everything. The Juice Master is quite possible the most powerful juicer on the market, and his infomercial proves it. You can cram whole fruits, vegetables, ferrets, babies, limbs, pets, etc. into the fucker and get the sweet sweet juice. The hostess on this show talks about how much weight she lost on the Juice diet, yet she still makes me sick. Jack barely gets to say a word, because his wife won't shut the fuck up. The single best moment is when Jack's wife cooks up some concoction with vegetables, potatoes, and apple and makes the hostess drink it. You can see her almost gag as she's forced to say "This is delicious!"
[b]Chef Tony[/b] is my Lord. Much like a suicidal Goth, this Super Mario wannabe is all about cutting. He hawks not only the Miracle Blade knives, but also a chopping food processor. How the hell Tony became a chef blows my mind, because I swear to god he was fixing my toilet yesterday. The Miracle Blade commercials are clutch, because he cuts through steel and plaster for no reason at all. These blades are unstoppable and unbreakable. If you do break them, you get new ones. I guarantee these blades are a huge hit with the hooker-killing crowd. The food processor is a junky piece of shit, but Chef Tony still makes it seem cool. His cohost on this informercial is some skeletal hag who's hosted millions of infomercials. I think she used to be the replacement for Suzanne Somers on "Three's Company" and now she's giving Chef Tony hand-jobs to pay the rent. Congrats.

There's hundreds of other "quality" infomercials out there I don't have the time to get into. Find your personal favorite and do what I've done: Develop a drinking game. It helps the tired alcoholic make it through the wee hours of the morning, so they're still up when gas stations start selling beer again.