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I'm Back, Bitches!
04.26.04 (5:51 pm)   [edit]
It's a Monday, I have tomorrow off (kinda), so I'm drinking. Drinking fuels creativity, so I've decided to return to my forum.

Since I always throw out lists when I rant, I'm gonna continue the trend. But first, let me get this out of the way (even though it's highly contradictory)

[b]STOP DOING LIST ISSUES, FUCKERS[/b]

This is a plea to EVERY FUCKING magazine I subscribe to. [b]Blender, SPIN, Revolver, Alternative Press[/b], etc. You really don't have to "out-list" each other. I already paid my subscription, you've got me for the next year. I swear to fucking god, if I see one more "List Issue" I'm gonna commit homeless homicide*.

Now comes the contradictory part. I'm gonna keep on listing, like I always have. And, since my rants seem to take a pop culture bent, I'm gonna stick with that as well. So, now I present, in no particular order (take THAT, cohesiveness!):

[b]THE TOP 20 MEDIA YOU NEED TO HEAR/SEE/READ[/b]

Anything with David Cross (Mr Show, Stand-up, etc)
Opeth "Lamentations" DVD
ISIS "Oceanic" CD
"Most Extreme Elimination Challenge" on SPIKE TV
[u]Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs[/u] by Chuck Klosterman
Any book by Chuck Pahliniuk
"Kill Bill" Vol. 1 & 2
[u]The Dirt[/u] - Motley Crue biography
Any David Fincher-directed movie (including "Aliens 3")
Kyuss CDs - "Blues For The Red Sun"/"Sky Valley"/"And The Circus Leaves Town"
The entire [u]Lone Wolf & Cub[/u] manga series (Dark Horse Comics)
[u]Wildcats 3.0[/u] (Wildstorm comics)
Comedy Central, even though they lost SNL and MAD TV is just not as good
"American Chopper" on Discovery Channel
Dane Cook, Mitch Hedberg, Doug Swardson, and Zach Galifianakis (live or taped)
Failure CDs - "Comfort"/Magnified"/"Fan tastic Planet"
"Adult Swim" on Cartoon Network
My rants (when they appear)
[u]Sleeper[/u] (Wildstorm comics)
"Wet Hot American Summer" DVD
Anything Will Ferrell touches

There ya go... I need another beer. You can actually print this list out and check off everything you accomplish. Whomever accomplished the most gets a high-five from me next time I see 'em.

Trust me, you'll be a better person for doing this list. Well, not a [i]better[/i] person, but you won't suck as much.

[i]*I've recently realized how much I've painted myself into a corner with my spite and anger. I can never run for political office, nor run/head a major corporation based on my humor. I don't think "burning homeless people" will win me any kind of award/vote, unless my friends voted. Still, it's funny.[/i]
 
Apocalypse NOW
04.03.04 (11:30 pm)   [edit]
[i]This is going to be an ongoing tangent. Whenever I see something that signals the oncoming imminent approach of the Apocalypse, I'm gonna jot it down. Nothing too fancy, but sure signs. Start praying, if that's your thing.[/i]

[b]SIGN ONE:[/b]
Bob Dylan is doing [b]Victoria's Secret [/b]commercials.

Yes... BOB DYLAN...

IN THE COMMERCIALS...

THE Bob Dylan...

I'd build a fallout shelter NOW, fuckers...
 
Re-hash THIS Idea, Assclowns!
04.02.04 (4:52 pm)   [edit]
[i]This is a sincere and unapologetic missive to Hollywood. I know the following will never be read by anyone in any position to do anything, and if it was... no one would do anything. Still, when the hate builds up, you need to vent. Some kill homeless people... I also write.[/i]

Dear Hollywood:

I've been an avid fan of your works for years. You've guided me through some points in my life and kept me smiling through the bad times. I have fond memories of many of your works, and continue to re-watch several favorite films to this day.

Which leads me to my point.

STOP MAKING FUCKING RE-MAKES OF MOVIES/TV SHOWS/CARTOONS/ETC.

I'd appreciate having the $3.95 I spent at Blockbuster on your recent piece of swill, "[b]The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2004)[/b]". This piece of dogshit doesn't even deserve the name "[b]Massacre[/b]," let alone the term "remake/reimagining."

Now, I'm not the biggest horror buff. I avoid most slasher flicks like the plague, but intrigue and interest in the ORIGINAL version of the movie brought about this horrible rental.

Shame on you, Hollywood.

This piece of drek isn't even SCARY. The director uses the same techniques every shitty horror movie uses to try and scare us: tense music, characters running across the screen, screaming, uneasy silences, etc. The problem is, the movie and actors are so fucking horrible that I couldn't even muster up any interest to BE scared. I was left staring at Jessica Biel's titties, even though she never took off her shirt.

I also watched the latest "[b]Dawn Of The Dead[/b]" in the theaters. While this movie sucked as well, it was at least enjoyably gory and darkly humorous. It dragged, yet still kept my attention. Still, it was a shitty fucking remake.

Here's some tips from me, the expert on everything:

1) [b]Even If A Classic Movie Looks Like Shit Now, DON'T FUCK WITH IT! [/b]
That's why it's called "classic" and not "current," you fuckwads. Learn from George Lucas' mistakes. Remaking old movies DOESN'T make them better.

2) [b]If You DO Remake A Movie, ADD NUDITY![/b]Female nudity, morons. If Jessica Biel had gotten topless, I DEFINITELY would've enjoyed that movie.

3) [b]Gross Does Not Equal Scary.[/b]
"[b]Massacre[/b]" totally fucked up on this front. Although there's creepy skin-carving and a dude hanging from a hook, that's still not scary. If you're trying to make me vomit, show me Star Jones naked. If you're trying to scare me, don't resort to stupid shit.

4) [b]DON'T REDO THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE![/b]
Anyone remember Gus Van Sant's [b]"Psycho[/b]" remake? The one where he re-did it shot for shot? Yeah. Neither do I, and neither does America. That was fucking worthless, even though it had nudity. Anne Heche's twiggy adolescent body doesn't equal hot, guys. The only ones who maybe enjoyed this movie are film geeks who dissect films to study shots and misc-en-scene and shit (see, I DID learn something in Film 101).

Now comes the time when I list the last few movies I saw that were good or excellent. Hence, do NOT remake this movies, copy these movies, etc. Watch them, get their essence and see why they rocked. Then come up with YOUR OWN FUCKING IDEAS and incorporate some of their formats:

[b]Lost In Translation[/b] - Bill Murray owns your ass.
[b]Mystic River [/b]- Shitty ending, awesome movie.
[b]Pirates Of The Carribbean[/b] - Don't know why, but it rocked.

And that's about it. Most new movies fucking blow, and don't get me started on "[b]The Passion[/b]" because I haven't seen it and don't give two shits enough TO see it.

Fuck you, Hollywood.

Love,
trevordanger

[i]PS - I want my money back by next month, or Michael Bay is dead.[/i]