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| This Is What Happens When You F*** A Stranger In The Ass |
| 05.20.04 (4:41 pm) [edit] |
It's been quite a while since I've ranted, but I think my spite is quite ready to spill. Let me give you a little backstory before the wrath is unleashed.
When I moved to my new apartment, I was given some pamphlets with local businesses. You get this shit anytime you're new to an apartment/area/city. It's supposed to help you out. The kicker with this batch, though, was the brochure for [b]Insight Communications[/b]. I paid no attention to it, even though the rental attendent lady (whatever the fuck she's called) mentioned it as my only choice.
About a month in, me and my roommate decided to get cable. We called [b]Insight Communications[/b], because they were running a sweet deal. Cable + Roadrunner for $59.99 for six months. Now, I can't live without my cable internet, so this was a HUGE selling point. Even though we had to wait two weeks to get the fucker turned on, I was content.
Now it's been six months and it's time to pay the piper, so to speak. The "special deal" is over on June 8th, and the fucking cable bill jumps up to a whopping $90.
That is fucking insane. Our fucking electric/water bill is usually $60. My cell phone bill is $40.
Don't get me wrong. Roadrunner is fucking great. I'm now loaded with great music, which is more than what I pay for the service itself. But the cable part of the deal is QUITE shitty. You want to know how many channels I actually watch out of the 60 or so we pay for?
1. Comedy Central (always badass, even with MAD TV)
2. G4 (which is getting better, someone must've read my rant)
3. Discovery (American Chopper owns your sorry ass)
4. MTV/VH1 (a little of both, though neither show videos)
5. FX/Court TV, and this is only when "Cops" is on.
Other than that, I don't watch SHIT. So, I'm paying out the fucking ass for 56 channels I fucking hate. I call up the cable operator and try to coax some more deals out of her. She can't do shit, because we're already subscribers. So, I ask her to drop the cable and just keep the Roadrunner.
She says she can do that, but the Roadrunner is $50 a month. Which, is fucking idiotic. Still, I can't live without it, so I'll pay for it.
BTW, all of this occurs after I've done my research around the area. Why the fuck can't I just get Roadrunner at a cheaper rate? No one provides Roadrunner alone... you need the cable package to save money.
Anyway, the chick says that the Roadrunner price will drop to $40 if I sign up for a cable package. Even with the shittiest cable package they have (20 channels, all local and shit), the price would still be $60-$70.
So, I'm fucking pissed. I don't like being fucked in the ass, especially by a fucking cable company. So, I call around to all the different cable companies in the area. All of them do not serve our apartment complex.
[i]BTW, The [b]Time-Warner [/b]bitch was ESPECIALLY evil. She didn't want to talk to me to begin with, so she cut off my questions at any possible second. I don't know her name, but I really pray that she slides under a fucking gas truck and tastes her own blood. Then, hopefully, the gas truck explodes but she still lives and suffers in intensive care. After that, she'll try to commit suicide to end her suffering, but every attempt will only cause more pain. [b]THAT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE FOR SHITTY CUSTOMER "SERVICE", YOU WHORE.[/b][/i]
Anyway, I've come to find out that our landlord must've signed a deal with this Insight place, because no other cable company can set foot in our area. Small shit like this makes me hate the government and their loose ownership laws. Despite my enduring hatred for George Bush and his cronies, I've always got room for more hate.
Someone needs to devise a pay-for-play option with these shiteaters at the cable companies. You pick which lineup you want, then pay a certain rate depending on how many channels you choose. AND CABLE FUCKING INTERNET SHOULD BE A GODDAMN FREEBIE, YOU GUTLESS FUCKS!
So, here's my points:
Fuck [b]Insight Communications [/b]for raping me and my wallet.
Fuck every other cable company for not helping me out.
Fuck that heartless bitch from [b]Time-Warner [/b]for being such a goddamn whore on the phone.
[i]Oh, and if anyone wants to throw me some money for Roadrunner, I'll gladly take it.[/i]
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| THE LIFE AND TIMES OF TRENT STEEL |
| 05.02.04 (4:21 pm) [edit] |
[b]Today’s Episode:[/b] [i]I’m Buying A Gun[/i]
Well kids, I know it’s been a long time since the man of Steel has rapped at ya, but I’ve been busy.
Busy doing what, you may ask?
Busy talking myself out of sex. I swear to God, Allah, Buddha, Odin, and Lord of the Sea and Winds that the next time it happens I’m buying a fucking gun! Now, I know you may be curious how a smooth mofo like myself can commit such a heinous act as turning down good old-fashioned, commitment-free, drunken sex. I’ll tell ya, it involves 10 easy steps, and if you would like to give it a try, I’ll break it down for you.
[b]DISCLAIMER[/b]: [i]You can only do this with a stranger. If you try this with someone you know, you'll never live it down and will take so much shit when your friends find out, you WILL go crazy and become a serial killer. Not even a COOL serial killer, but one that sodomizes homeless people to death with small dogs. You'll be known in the news as the "Terrier Ass-rammer."[/i]
[b]Step 1.[/b] Meet a stranger; this is best accomplished at a social gathering with friends, bar, or party of some sort.
[b]Step 2.[/b] Start a rapport with the female. This is easier said than done, but involves a little chit-chat, a few dirty jokes, and a little alcohol. This step can also be done over a couple of days or a few hours, depending on the level of alcohol involved.
[b]Step 3.[/b] Based on the events of the day, begin to drink (A LOT). Remember, the quarry you seek probably doesn’t have your Herculean alcohol tolerance, so in order to really fuck this up you’ll need to be REALLY wasted. Anyone with a moderate drunk-on would never turn sex down.
[b]Steps 4-8.[/b] Time to REALLY tie one on by playing drinking games and doing shots. Fuck it, throw in your drug of choice, but only if it makes you RETARDED. By this time you’ll know that if you want sex, she’s down for it. You'll get the confidence, and in this case confidence is a bad thing. By the time you get around [b]Step 7[/b], you’ll be going out to the nearest bar to do some shots because you're fucking wasted. You KNOW this chick wants to fuck you, but you have no idea that the dreaded [b]Step 9[/b] is rapidly approaching.
[b]Step 9.[/b] Take her home and fuck it up. If you’ve been playing by these rules, by the time you leave the bar (when the bar closes or they throw you out), you're so shit-canned you can't find your ass with both hands and a flashlight.
Now this is the trickiest part: [i]Fuck it up[/i]. This sounds easy, but is actually quite difficult. I can't tell you exactly how to do it (see [b]Steps 3-8[/b]), but in my humble opinion the best time to fuck it up is sometime after you have a high school-level grope session on the couch. After the groping, when she is jonesin' for it and begging you to do God-knows-what nasty, dirty, illegal-in-Utah thing to her, THAT’S the time to fuck it up. I like to call this “dropping the ball on the one-yard-line."
Then pass out, throw up, make a sandwich... Fuck, it’s up to you. You know you're not getting laid so the world is your oyster.
[b]Step 10.[/b] Wake up, realize what you did (actually, DIDN'T do) and hang your head in shame. When the morning’s harsh light wakes you, look around. About the time you notice you're wearing the clothes you had on the night before, you'll begin to piece together the events of the previous day.
“Oh fuck me, I did it again,” you'll say to yourself, but what you fail to realize is you're STILL WASTED. This being the case, you'll decide it’s a good idea to tell your friends how you fucked it up. A good laugh is had by all, and you go back to sleep...
You wake up again and realize that not only did you shoot yourself in the foot with the chick, but you told everyone about it because at the time you thought it was funny. Hang head in shame...
Well kids that’s about it. If you feel that you’ve been getting laid WAAAAAY too often as of late, please feel free to give the Steel Method a whirl.
But I shit you not, if I do this one more time (in the next month or so) I’m buying a fucking gun. You’ll hear about it on the news for weeks, and it’ll be the story of the century.
[i]Hugs and kisses, and fuck you all
Your pal,
Trent Steel [/i]
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