Alright, I'm back. I really need to get off my fucking ass and update this fucker more often, but I'd rather have meaningful posts than rapid posts.
[i]A follow-up from the last blog... I've taken the job with the company I wrote about. They managed to scrape together $21,000 a year for me (not great, not horrible) and so I'm making SOME money now. Nothing too great, especially after the ass-raping taxes and whatnot. [/i]
Anyway, I've been going through a crisis/catharsis of sorts these past few weeks. Whether it's growing up or just an over-abundance of spite, I've realized that all friendships don't last. I've been ranting about this subject to anyone who will listen, but perhaps I should post my theories for posterity. People will read this and know how to act and behave to maintain good friendships. In the end, though, people are shit and friendships are fleeting. Enjoy them while you can. So, without any more postponing, I present my
[u][b]RULES OF FRIENDSHIP[/b][/u]
[b]1. Play Wingman[/b]
I'm sure all of you know what a "wingman" is, but for those who don't: A wingman is a buddy who agrees to hang out with you on a night of prowling. If you have a hot chick ready to go, but she has a haggard-ass friend who's trying to keep her away, the wingman goes into the line of fire and distracts the beast while you do what you need.
Trust me, I've played this fucking role too many times. I'm not best-looking guy, but some of the fucking she-beasts I've had the displeasure of distracting take the fucking cake. As a good wingman, though, you need to take it all with the belief that your friend will return the favor when need arises.
It's a karmic rule: You jump on the grenade for you buddy and he should do the same.
Unfortunately, not all buddies do this. These fuckers are known as "assholes" or "cock-blockers."
[b]2. Cock-block And Die[/b]
You fuckers out there know who you are and should shit glass for your cock-blockery. There's nothing more annoying than setting up a nice conversation with a lady, only to have your buddy come in and steal her away. That is quite possibly the shittiest thing you can do to a friend.
I've had several friends do this, and I hate them for it. If a bitch is going to not fuck me, let her do it of her own accord. I don't need that "variable element" of her leaving me to fuck my buddy. Not getting laid is enough of a downer; I don't need her fucking my FRIEND to add to the misery.
If you see a buddy hitting on a hot chick, [b]BACK THE FUCK OFF[/b]. Let her decide on her own if he's worthy, rich enough, etc. NEVER step in on the conversation, buy the girl a drink, etc.
[b]ABSOLUTELY NEVER[/b] downplay your buddy to the chick. There is absolutely nothing more dickish than talking shit about a friend while he's in the bathroom. If you use this ploy to cock-block, I wish cancer on your brain.
[b]3. Keep Bail Money Handy[/b]
This is especially true if you drink as much as I do. There's been countless episodes of jailtime for my crew of boozers, and bail money is always handy. You should be able to count on your friends to get your drunk ass out of the clink. The best friends not only bail you out, but take you back to the bar for a celebratory shot.
[b]4. The Jimi Hendrix Defense[/b]
This is a no-brainer. Never let a drunk buddy sleep on his back. That's how Hendrix died, dude!
[b]5. Live on Principle[/b]
I'm a huge proponent of this philosophy. If you agree to do something, go somewhere, whatever... FUCKING DO IT. If you can't, make sure it's KNOWN that you can't/won't. You don't need bullshit excuses, just make sure no one's expecting you to do whatever you said you would. For example, if you promise to go play wingman for your bro, make sure you let the dude know if you can't/won't make it. He'll be pissed, but that will fade. He'll be MORE pissed if you just don't show up, or worse, he sees you out alone.
Integrity goes along way towards keeping friends, and not living by principle is a shitty fucking life.
[b]6. Maintain Contact[/b]
This isn't that big of a deal. You don't have to call the fucker every day (that's a chick move), but maintain some sort of communication. The easiest way to drift apart is lack of communication. Sometimes this comes with the territory, but making the effort can help.
[b]7. Tip Your Bartender[/b]
I have a buddy who's a bartender. Not the greatest bartender; not even fifth-best. But he takes care of his crew and make sure everyone has a good time. Whether it be free shots/beers or a Jack & Coke without the Coke, he is generally a people-pleaser. Still, these perks aren't a right, they're a privilege.
Several friends would take his generosity for granted, expecting cheap drinks and free shit anytime he bartended. The worst part? They wouldn't even tip him for his generosity.
That's bottom line prickishness. Repay good deeds with good deeds. Money, hookers, coke, crack, whatever it takes. There's nothing worse than feeling used or taken advantage of. Just remember that things you assume for granted can disappear one day and catch you blind-sided.
[b]8. Always Get Their Back[/b]
Regardless of how fucking hardcore I act, I'm basically a big pussy when it comes to fighting. The only fight I've ever been is a suck-punch from some douchebag in elementary school. Since then, I've developed a good verbal fighting style that has saved my ass for years. I can talk my way out of just about any fight, regardless of any personal damage to my reputation. Still, when it comes to friends, sometimes you gotta throw your hat in the ring.
There are some sub-rules, though.
a. [i]The fight can't be your buddy's idea[/i] (unless it's payback/revenge for a previous fight)
b. [i]Your buddy can't start the fight.[/i]
c. [i]Make sure you have a crew on your back in case the fight turns into a fucking melee.[/i]
d. [i]Your buddy must always repay the favor with beer, hookers, coke, etc.[/i]
[b]9. Maintain The Friendship [/b]
Everyone has their different circle of friends. There's the people you work with, the people you drink with, people from home, people from school, etc. When friends from different circles are hanging out, acknowledge them all. It's fucking horrible to ignore a friend simply because he isn't a part of another circle.
Take for instance this story: A lot of my buddies are from the same hometown. Within this small section, there are sub-sections: circles within circles. Still, at the heart of it all they're hometown buddies. At a party thrown by one of these guys, myself and another friend were the only out-of-towners there. The regulars didn't take too kindly to my one friend and plotted a fight. This is fucking retarded to begin with, but the friend THROWING the party didn't make a stand. That's true horseshit, and things like that shine through.
[b]10. Share the Wealth[/b]
Short and to the point: If you're getting laid, and can help a bro get laid, FUCKING DO IT. If your chick has hot single friends, introduce a buddy.
[i]*This rule does not apply to fucking cock-blockers. Those fuckers can hash it all in Hell for all I care*[/i]
There's plenty more rules, but I'm fucking tired of typing. Just know this simple fact: It's hard to figure out which friends are true and which are temporary. When you do, keep the true friends for life. Friends or not, I still hate mankind in general. It's things like good friends, cheap brew, and whiskey that keep me from killing.
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